This vacation had all the ingredients of a bad trip. It had a dash of mass transit, a heavy dose of children, and a sprinkle of surprise weather. But did I see it coming? Absolutely not. We have good children, and just the glee on their faces will make it all seem worthwhile, I reasoned. I had done my homework, so there shouldn’t be any unwelcome surprises. So how did this all go so wrong? Well, let’s start at the beginning.
.We departed for Chicago (approximately a four hour car ride) on a sunny Thursday evening. Unfortunately the disposition of the youngest of our three children wasn’t so sunny. Zach is 15 months old and seemingly the happiest baby on earth. Until he gets into a car. For the majority of the trip, we heard “EH, EH, EEEHHHH!!!!” explode from our darling baby’s mouth. He did this 2,638 times in four hours. I kept track because I’m fairly certain it’s a record. The Guiness people (records, not beer) are supposed to get back to me soon. I wrongly assumed things would get better from there.
We arrived in Chicago after 10:00 PM because apparently Thursday (and every other night) produces a huge traffic snarl near O’Hare Airport. Arriving late at the Springhill Suites meant my particular room wasn’t available, but I did get “upgraded” for free. For this hotel, “upgrade” doesn’t mean a larger room or a Jacuzzi tub, it means you’re on the 10th floor. What’s so special about the 10th floor? Well, you get to take not one, but two elevators to get there. You see, the main elevators only go to the 9th floor. So at the 9th floor you walk across the hall and get into the elevator that takes you to the 10th floor. But that’s not all, you also have 14 foot ceilings. Maybe I would have been more excited if I was 12 feet tall.
Breakfast was fantastic the next morning except for the lack of a high chair. We made due and headed to the park & ride to catch a train downtown. The only hiccup was getting tickets, luckily there was a very nice CTA employee to help me operate the ticket vending machine. I always laugh at people that can’t operate something as simple as a vending machine. You know, the people that stare at it like it’s Einstein’s Theory of Relativity. Anyway, he helped me figure it out and he didn’t even call me an idiot to my face. The five of us hopped the next train and were downtown in a mere 45 minutes. For those of you unfamiliar with traffic and parking in downtown Chicago, you may think I’m a tremendous cheapskate for making my family ride mass transit. The thing is, parking is really expensive. There are loan officers offering 2nd mortgages to people who want to park. Often customers will abandon their car because they can buy a new car for less than the cost of getting out of the parking ramp.
When we arrived downtown, we were underground. I don’t bother looking at the signs as to which street we’re under or near, I just get to daylight and figure it out as I go. I probably took the wrong path or just plain missed the elevator sign, so I got to lug my huge kid and his stroller up 3 flights of stairs. Our first stop was the Sears Tower, and I found it easy enough because I had been in downtown Chicago several times on business. That, and it’s the fricking Sears Tower. If you can’t find it, go to an optometrist. We arrived there and get our first serious disappointment of the day. The observation deck of the Sears Tower is closed due to high wind. I love irony as much as the next guy, but this was too much. The last time I checked, Chicago was called “The Windy City.” If the Sears Tower can’t handle high wind, why in the hell is it built in “The Windy City?” And what was going to happen to us? The observation deck is completely enclosed, so there is no chance of us falling. Are they afraid the Sears Tower will fall over? At this point my wife said in a not-so-nice voice, “Now what are we supposed to do? We can’t walk all the way to the aquarium. How are we going to get there?”
After I explained my shortcoming of not knowing the entire Chicago Transit Authority bus schedule, we set off for Shedd’s Aquarium. Sarah also suggested hailing a cab because apparently she is completely unaware of what a cab is. I explained to her that cab drivers don’t obey speed limits or any other basic traffic laws. Also, there is very little chance of one having a car seat. I’ll admit it’s a bit of a haul, but I was pushing the stroller so no one else should be complaining. If was a nice day and, of course, breezy. We reached Michigan Ave and headed south while scouting out a place to eat. I knew I was going to have to sell a kidney to get into the aquarium, so I didn’t see any reason to fork over my pancreas for overpriced food. We ate at a nice little restaurant attached to a hotel and in passing noticed it was getting cloudy. Good, I thought, as we were getting hot and had just applied sunscreen to keep from getting scorched.
Lunch was good but unspectacular. The waitress was very nice, maybe in an effort to keep us from throwing a fit when we see that 18% gratuity is automatically added to the bill. After the stress and disappointment of the morning, I did get one bit of humor from lunch. Zach is a notorious backwasher and was drinking out of straw. There was as much food going in as milk coming out of the glass. Abby (our six year-old) reached over and took a big swig of Zach’s milk and if it was crunchy, she did an amazing job of acting like it wasn’t. I didn’t know whether to throw up or laugh. We went across the street to Grant Park and climbed a small hill to a statue. There were steps, so I took Zach and the stroller up the flat incline at the edge of the step. Child welfare agents probably would have shuddered, but we made it safely. The girls played around, I took some pictures, and our spirits were raised.
We felt a light sprinkle as we descended from the statue, which quickly turned into a steady rain. And we were no where near shelter. We ducked under some trees and in about 15 minutes it let up. The next jump was to a tunnel, when it started raining again. The rain never let up much, so eventually we braved in to get to the aquarium. Admission was a mere $85, and our youngest was free. I probably could have picked up a hooker for less. We were in there for maybe 3 hours, and it was largely forgettable. A hooker wouldn’t have been forgettable.
The kids were pretty much wiped out by this time, so we asked the customer service desk which bus would take us near the blue line train station. Her first option was to take a bus, switch to another to arrive at the orange line train station, then switch trains to get to the blue line. Door number 2 was one bus to take us to the blue line. I have no idea why option #1 was offered, maybe she gets paid by the word.
The train almost made it to our stop. Unfortunately, almost doesn’t count in mass transit. About 2 stops from ours the train stopped. Over the loudspeaker we hear the monotone recording about something being wrong and the operator has left the train. That wasn’t very comforting. We sat on the tracks for what seemed like 2 hours, but it was probably 10-15 minutes. No explanation was given, and I didn’t care. We had made it back to our train stop, but we did run into one more mechanical failure before getting to the hotel. The elevator wasn’t working at the train station, so I put stroller on the escalator. Another no-no, but at this point I was only looking out for my mental stability.
We settled on a traditional deep-dish pizza joint for dinner. I give my wife a lot of crap, but she can pick a restaurant. The pizza was great, so naturally our middle child hated it. The highlight of dinner was Sarah dumping a full glass of water all over the table. Mady (our oldest) reminded Mommy that she needs to pay attention to what she’s doing. It was only funny because Mady is the clumsiest kid around and is in no position to give that kind of advice.
Back at the hotel we made our way to the pool. I’m not a big pool guy, but I was looking forward to it because the hotel description online referred to it as “Olympic style.” This would be accurate if Olympics were held for people who can’t swim. The pool was 5 foot at it’s deepest and no more than 20 feet long and 10 feet wide. Zach wasn’t interested, because even at 15 months he knows when he’s been lied to. That was fine with me, I took him back to the room and tucked him in.
The next morning we woke up late and barely made it to the lobby for breakfast. The place was absolutely packed, we only managed to secure a small table with one chair and one high chair. As people left, we flung ourselves on the extra chairs. It was cramped, but what do you expect from a free breakfast? Given the situation, one would think people would be cognizant of eating and moving out of the way for the flood of people that haven’t eaten. Most of the crowd was courteous, however someone always has to be a jackass. In this case, there were 6 jackasses. This particular group was sitting at a table that seated 8 and sipping coffee. They were done eating, but instead of letting someone else sit they camped in the prime seating. We were right next to them, a family of five with 3 chairs, a high chair, and a table the size of a Frisbee. If looks could kill, I would have 6 murders on my conscious.
We left the hotel and headed to Woodfield Mall to grab lunch before heading home. We went to Rainforest Café and for once, there wasn’t a line. Karma was looking kindly upon us as we secured prime seating next to a huge aquarium. It almost made up for breakfast. The food was great, the kids enjoyed themselves, and for a moment the trip didn’t seem so bad.
There was one more minor meltdown before leaving Chicago. The womenfolk stopped at Club Libby Lou. If you’re not familiar with it, the basic premise is to put makeup on your pre-adolescent until she looks like a stripper. The treatment comes complete with a restraining order and a home pregnancy kit. Anyway, Mady got relatively pissed that she couldn’t look like a prostitute because the wait was too long and we had to get on the road. My wife agreed to take her to Club Libby Lou some other time. I can hardly wait.
The trek home was uneventful, Zach slept most of the way. He was probably still tired from screaming all the way there. After we got home, I found out a tornado tore up a Chicago suburb shortly after we were there. It’s too bad, really. That would have made the trip memorable.
