In-Digest-ion

You can stop wondering why it's been so long since I posted. I've spent the last 10 days thinking up a great title for a post about Reader's Digest. And yes, I am disappointed in myself. I should have been able to do better.
Reader's Digest has one of the highest circulations of any magazine. We have a subscription, although I have no idea why. I think we got it free with the purchase of a tube of toothpaste.

My problems with Reader's Digest are multiple and far-reaching. For starters, the name is generic. It should be called Obvious Advice for the Functionally Retarded. An article in the current issue tells you "Thirteen Things Your Grocer Won't Tell You." I think the reason your grocer won't tell you these things is because they are all common sense. Seriously, who doesn't know that the grocery store is less crowded at dinnertime? Or that if you want to avoid shopping cart dents you should park far away? Not to mention their invaluable advice about produce. Apparently the familiar produce turns over more often than exotic produce. I can't believe I survived this long without this earth-shattering advice.
You don't have to read the Digest very long to determine they really like advertisements. I counted the pages of advertisements in the most recent issue and there were a whopping 63 pages of advertisements. The Digest utilizes midget-sized pages so the magazine is 196 pages long. Nonetheless, almost a third of the magazine is advertising. The bulk of the advertising is geared toward pharmaceuticals as the average age of a Digest readers is 92.
Reader's Digest makes an occasional attempt at being funny. Not that I'm the foremost expert on humor, but I can identify when something is not funny. Here's an example of being not funny. There is a cartoon of a chicken panhandling holding a sign that reads "All my eggs were in one basket." Can you imagine anyone finding that funny?
Maybe I just don't get Reader's Digest. Maybe it's all sarcasm and the joke is on all the geriatrics that laugh their asses off at chicken cartoons. Maybe I shouldn't rip them, and instead encourage everyone to buy toothpaste for the free subscription.
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Bad Basketball Saturday

I had the pleasure of witnessing a double-header of unwatchable basketball last Saturday. I started the day off with a girls basketball game between 3rd and 4th grade girls. I'm the assistant coach for my daughter's team, so I'm partially to blame for the entertainment value of the team. The saving grace of the team is a pair of identical twins that can absolutely dominate off the dribble.

My daughter tries really hard, but sometimes even good effort can be difficult to watch. For about four straight possessions, I watched her overplay the passing lane and give up the easiest back door baskets you'll ever see. I've got a pretty good idea what we're going to be practicing next week.
The second half of the double-header was the Iowa-Northwestern game. This one was even harder to watch since the first, as Iowa-Northwestern is annually some of the most putrid basketball on the planet. Several minutes of research has led me to the conclusion that the highest rate of suicides in the U.S. are during Iowa-Northwestern basketball games. Iowa managed to play the entire first half without making a 2-point basket. They made 7 3-pointers and a few free throws, while turning the ball over roughly 84 times. Luckily, Northwestern was offensively impotent. They have some dude that weighs 480 pounds and misses shots from 6 inches when he's not busy trying to foul out so he can eat a doughnut. And he was their best post presence until he got sent to the pine for a dozen Krispy Kremes.
The second half was equally gut wrenching. Iowa's shooting cooled down, but they turned the ball over less. Northwestern warmed up a bit, but the Hawks held on to win the game that neither team seemed to want to win. I had several drinks afterward in the hopes of forgetting the horrors I had seen that day.
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