Talent Show

I was recently witness to the root of all that is wrong with this country. Some friends of ours have 2 girls that are the same age as our girls. They go to different schools and their friends had a talent show for the before and after school program.

Our definition of talent has changed. When I was growing up (there I go sounding like my parents) a program like this was the result of hours of practice and a significant amount of coaching from the adults in charge. What I witnessed tonight was devoid of structure and adult intervention. They bragged that it was entirely done by children, meaning the skits, sets, design, etc. all originated from the “creativity” of the children. Here’s a quick synapses of what I saw:

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The show started out with a four boys lip synching to a KISS song. I take that back, 3 boys were standing around pretending to play instruments, while the 4^th lip synched. Of course, lip synching implies your lips are in synch with the music. That didn’t happen. I’m not sure the boys knew the words to the song. When I saw the KISS banner, I was expecting some interesting costumes. Would they be KISS with or without the makeup? The answer is neither.

Sadly, the boys destroying a classic rock band like KISS wasn’t the worst demonstration of talent. It’s difficult to pinpoint the worst act, but the kid “impersonating” James Bond has to at least get honorable mention. I put impersonating in quotations because his act consisted of running across the mat and rolling. And I’m not talking about tumbling, it was rolling. I have a one-year old son that could roll when he was 4 months old. It never crossed my mind to put him in a talent show.

Another favorite of mine was the puppet show. It consisted of 4 girls with hand-drawn puppets on popsicle sticks. Here’s my recollection of the skit:

Crappy puppet #1 that looks like cat with elephantitis: Let’s go get ice cream.

Crappy puppet #2 dog in the advanced stages of radiation sickness: What kind of ice cream are you getting?

Crappy puppet #1 that looks like cat with elephantitis: Fish ice cream

Crappy puppet #3 animal (?) that looks like a cross between a zebra and a duck: They don’t have fish ice cream

Crappy puppet #1 that looks like cat with elephantitis: Then let’s go on the Ferris wheel.

So maybe I shouldn’t fault the kids for making crappy puppets. After all, I can’t draw for shit. However, the writing is fair game. Only someone on acid could find the script mildly entertaining. But that is what’s wrong with this country. We continually reward mediocrity.

A lot of what went wrong with the talent show should be blamed on the parents. I truly believe most kids have some kind of talent; however it is typically not entertaining. Some kids are great readers, some are good at math, and some are really awesome at running the vacuum. But you shouldn’t put your kid that runs a vacuum in a talent show. One kid was trying to play the snare drum to Queen’s “We Will Rock You.” It’s quite possibly the easiest song ever to keep time to. He managed to get off beat at least 4 times in less than 2 minutes. A deaf kid could have done as well. To add insult to talentlessness, someone (probably his parents) wrote “AC” on one cheek and “DC” on the other with the trademark lightning bolt on his forehead. He didn’t facepaint himself, so who the hell would put AC/DC on a kid attempting to play a Queen song?

Another skit was human dominoes. They came up early in the show, so I still held out some hope that it wouldn’t be a complete train wreck. Their act consisted of (you guessed it) falling down one after another. It actually looked a bit painful, because they were falling on top of each other. And they did this several times. I have to give them a little credit for being tough.

Several skits involved kids playing sports. The show (notice I left out talent) took place in a gymnasium so at least 3 groups shot baskets. One kid shot solo and he couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn. My oldest daughter is in the same age range as these kids and she can sink more than 4 out of 20, which is what this unfortunate kid achieved. Another group threw around a football, and I’ll admit they had some talent. The ball never hit the ground in the 15-20 passes thrown. But this goes back to my earlier point. Watching kids warm up to play sports isn’t entertaining. If it was, I’d go to football games to watch warm-ups and leave before the game started.

No “talent” show is complete without music. A few kids played the piano; one of them was actually pretty good. A couple boys separately screeched out a song that was vaguely familiar, with one playing the cello and the other the violin. Then for an encore (which no one called for) they teamed up for a song that I assume was titled “Cat dying a slow painful death.” It’s hard to tell if they were in synch with each other since it all sounded like a lot of screeching.

As the show was wrapping up I tried to convince myself that it was all a joke. The program leaders and the kids would come out laughing hysterically screaming “April Fools!” and then break into a perfect rendition of “We Are the World” just to prove they do have some talent. Unfortunately, it wasn’t a big joke. Now I’m left to find a way to get out going to next year’s show. Maybe I’ll fake radiation sickness.

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