The Perverts Guide to Watch Repair

I'm going to warn the four people that might read this. The funniest part of this post is probably the title. I wasn't really planning on a post about my trip to the local mall to get a new watch battery, but once I thought up the title I knew I'd have to write about it.

Last night I went to the mall to get a new battery in my Fossil Hawkeye watch. I really like the watch, the problem is it has two batteries so it seems like I'm always replacing one. The recently deceased battery powered the hands, the other battery powers the LCD display. I arrived at the mall around 8:15 and wandered to center court where all the jewelry stores are located. I went past The Watch Company (I know it's the obvious choice, but they screwed up the last time I had them replace a battery) and continued to Fred Meyer Jewelers as I knew they had a fairly large watch selection.
As I walked up to Fred Meyer a girl in a silk fuschia shirt with one too many buttons undone looked up and smile at me. I knew immediately we were going to have a long term relationship. I privately cursed myself for not dressing up to her standards. I gave her my watch and explained that it needed a new battery. She generously leaned over the counter and I discovered she was wearing a bra that matched her shirt. Things were pointing up. I mean looking up.
She took my watch to the back and started working on it. About 15 minutes later she came back out with my watch. Since we had developed a connection I sensed immediately things weren't going well. She asked if I was sure it was the battery. I also noticed the display wasn't working anymore. I informed her the watch had two batteries, after I finished looking down her shirt again. She went back to work, emerging another 10 minutes later. Now the hands were working, but the display was still dark. She said she had replaced both batteries, and I pointed out when I had arrived the display worked. I sensed our relationship was receiving it's first major test.
She spent another 10 minutes on the watch (I told you this was a long-term relationship) and the display still wasn't working. I was starting to question her watch fixing abilities. She offered to send it to the watch repair guy and I initially resisted. But she's persuasive so I let her send it in after she informed me it was free of charge. She took down my information, then I realized her ulterior motive. She had broken my watch on purpose so she could get my phone number. Maybe this relationship still has a chance.
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The early bird gets...

I've always thought of myself as having an appreciation of nature. I don't hug trees and pet grass, but I do enjoy being outdoors. This time of year I like to sleep with the windows open to get some fresh air. The problem I'm having lately is the great outdoors is a lot louder than usual.

We live next to a lot of open area so there are a lot of birds. The problem with is the birds get up really early. The last few mornings they are screaming at me by about 5 o'clock. You didn't read that wrong, these birds are screaming. It sounds like they are being violently raped right outside my window. I fully expect to open the shades to see a homeless guy or a raccoon violating a sparrow.
So there you go, the early bird gets gang raped. And that's why I sleep in.
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What marriage is really like

I can't believe it's been almost a month since I posted anything. Time flies when you're having fun, and it flies even faster when you're spending 4 nights a week watching softball. Just a couple weeks left and then our life might resume some kind of normalcy. Then again, maybe not. Normalcy isn't all that popular around here. Anyway, my real reason for posting today has nothing to do with softball. This is the actual transcript of a conversation I recently had with my wife:

Wife: Where’d you put my cell phone charger?
Me: I didn’t move it.
Wife: I always leave my charger on the counter. You must have moved it when you moved the laptop.
Me: (blank stare)
Wife: You need to be more careful with my stuff. If I lost your charger you’d be pissed. I HATE YOU!!! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!!
Me: What just happened?
Wife: AARRRGH!!!
Me: (silently planning my escape)
Wife: Oh, never mind. I brought my charger upstairs last weekend. It’s right there.
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