Open mouth, insert foot

For the most part, I do a good job of not saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. I never assume a woman is pregnant unless I see the baby poking it's head out. I typically don't make comments about people's appearance, as you never know if the haircut you like is despised by the owner of said haircut. I did make the mistake (once) of asking a female co-worker what she had done with her hair. Apparently, there is more than one way to take that comment. Recently, I screwed up on a grand scale.

One of my bad habits is to come in on a conversation and make off-handed comments without knowing the context of the conversation. Usually it results in at least a polite chuckle. Last week my two officemates (yeah, I'm tripled up. It's a bit cramped) were talking and I walked in on the conversation. I heard Doug say something about spending time with family. Being the smart-ass I am, I said "Who'd want to spend time with family?"
Doug responded, "My uncle. He died last night."
Apparently he had pancreatic cancer and instead of fighting it out in the hospital he went home to spend time with his family. Looks like I've got a bad habit I need to break.
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Go, Diego, Go!

Next up on the continuing review of children's programming is Go, Diego, Go! Go, Diego, Go! is a spinoff of Dora the Explorer (also a crappy cartoon) as Diego is the half-wit cousin of Dora. He is almost always running and his companion is a baby jaguar. This has led me to believe he is probably an illegal immigrant and is being chased by the INS.

The baby jaguar is a bit baffling also. Who, outside of Micheal Jackson, would own a baby jaguar? Diego's schtik is (surprisingly) saving animals in danger. And then eating them. Ok, so he doesn't eat them as that would make the show watchable.
At this point I have to confess I didn't watch much of this show. I saw the opening credits, him running around with a baby jaguar saving animals, and that's all it took for me to form my opinion. You could say I didn't give Diego much of a chance, but what do you expect? I was suffering from something between radiation sickness and the black death so I think I should be allowed to jump to conclusions.
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Children's programming

I recently spent the day with my 8 and 7 year-old girls. We were quarantined to my room as the stomach flu ripped through our household like a tornado through a trailer park. The only difference being it's easier to clean up after the tornado.

In between being a one-man puke bucket brigade, we had the chance to enjoy some of the finest children's programming available. First up was Ruby and Max. This is an adorable cartoon about a couple of bunnies with a disturbing undertone. Ruby and Max are brother and sister, with Ruby being the older of the two. Ruby seems to be pre-adolescent (she's very flat-chested) and Max appears to be toddler age. The problem I have with this show is these two seem to have no parents. I'm assuming the parents were made into fur coats or had their feet cut off for good luck charms. The kids grandmother makes regular appearances and other rabbits on the show have parents, but Ruby and Max seem to be on their own.
Ruby is very parental. She's always having bake sales, lemonade stands, or rummage sales to make a few bucks. I expect as time passes and she becomes more desperate she'll start turning tricks. Obviously Social Security doesn't exist in the bunny world. Max is mentally disabled. He picks one or two words to say at the beginning of the episode and says them over and over for the entire episode. Overall, it's not my least favorite children's show of all time but it's definitely on the list. Next post, I'll break down Go, Diego, Go!


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Vegas trip report-Day 5

Day 5: Leaving Las Vegas

We caught a shuttle before 5am and got the airport in plenty of time. I went to check in at the kiosk only to realize I didn’t have my driver’s license. I searched frantically through all of my pockets but I knew I wasn’t going to find it.

I always keep it in my wallet, so when it wasn’t there I knew I had left it somewhere. The attendant at the counter was very nice and said I’d have to go through the special screening at security. I assumed this meant “full body cavity search,” so I prepared myself for the worst. I got through security faster than my wife and I was only slightly violated. I had been racking my brain as to where my license was and eventually I determined it was probably at Excalibur as I used it when I registered for a spot at the poker table. I called Excalibur when I got home and, sure enough, they had it. I also mentioned they can probably take me off the wait list for a $2/$4 table.
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Vegas trip report-Day 4

Day 4: A Comeback?

I haven’t gone into detail about my gambling on this trip. This is because up to this point it basically sucked. I had played video poker on at least 10 different machines and lost on every one except the free money from Golden Nugget. I played 10 different parlays through Sunday and lost every one of them. A couple were long shots, but enough were 3 team parlays that I should have won one by this point. I had a couple of narrow misses, like the Colts winning by 4 instead of 5 and Missouri losing on a last second touchdown. I was getting a bit desperate to get a win. I played some slots (which I never do) and I considered betting on horses despite knowing nothing about it.

Monday was our last full day in Vegas and the wife and I decided to split up again. She went shopping at the outlet mall, I decided I wanted to play poker or blackjack with the last of my gambling allowance. I’m a low roller and I wanted to find a $2/$4 poker game. The one strip casino I knew with a regular $2/$4 game is Excalibur. It was early (about 10:30) when I got to Excalibur. They were finishing up their 9am no-limit tournament, so I got on the list for a $2/$4 game. I figure with the tournament winding down I might get some of the tournament players to play a cash game. The poker room attendant explained how the electronic tables worked and scanned my drivers license to update my information. I scanned my card to get on the list and the attendant said I should check back in an hour to see if they’ve had any takers. I sat in the sports book for awhile and scouted out some college basketball lines. I knew I was glutton for punishment, but I couldn’t see going home without at least one win. After a half hour I was still the only person on the wait list so I decided to see if I could find a $5 blackjack table.
I sat down with four other gamblers to discover the hottest table I have ever seen. I won the first five hands with one blackjack, then doubled my bet and lost. I went back to $5 per hand as I figured that’s what the poker gods (I’ve always assumed there is more than one of them) wanted me to do. I proceeded to win about another 5 consecutive hands. The table cooled a little after that, but I was still winning way more than losing. I got up about $75, then lost 3 straight hands. I cashed out at that point still up $60. My feeling on blackjack is since the variance is very low, over the long term you can reasonably expect to be about even. Therefore, when I’m up more than 10 bets I should cash out as I’m likely to come back to earth in the near future. I checked back at the poker room to see if the $2/$4 game had picked up any interest. It hadn’t so I took my winnings and headed back up the strip. It wouldn’t surprise me if my name was still on the list at Excalibur.
With my newfound gambling confidence I placed a couple 2-team basketball parlays. I wandered aimlessly through a few casinos and wound up at the Wynn. I played some video poker, mostly because they have the most comfortable chairs on the strip. I would be tempted to work more hours if my office chair was as comfortable as the ones at the Wynn. I broke even playing VP, which felt like a win, and cashed out.
I met back up with the wife at around 4. She told be about her adventures with some strange people on the Duece and how she returned some stuff she had purchased 2 days before. I’m not sure anyone can explain this behavior, as it’s not uncommon for my wife to buy a bunch of stuff only to take it back. I, on the other hand, try not to buy anything and when I do I never take it back.
We went over to Toby Keith’s bar and grill at Harrah’s for dinner. I had the pulled pork sandwich, the wife had fish. It was good and reasonably priced. We had good service again and decided against after dinner drinks as we had to get packed since we had an early flight the next morning. I watched some basketball from the room and I finally broke my losing streak. One of my parlays came through and I cashed in for a $26 gain. I decided that was a good way to end my gambling in Vegas.
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Vegas trip report-Day 3

Day 3: Olives and “O”

We had Krispy Kremes for breakfast (we picked them up the night before downtown) and I headed to the Hilton again. It was Sunday, so I had more football bets to place. I also figured that since I wasn’t doing much winning, I might as well get some exercise.

I was back at the Flamingo by 11 and the wife and I headed down the strip to get some lunch. We went to Rainforest Café in MGM Grand where the wife had her standard Asian chicken salad and I had a burger. The one constant with every time we’ve eaten at a Rainforest Café is the service is incredible. The wife did trip the server up once, she wanted to know there the nearest bookstore was located. It was kind of a trick question, as there isn’t a bookstore on the strip. He asked another server, and came back with a suggestion to go to Boulevard Mall.
The wife decided to try her luck on the strip to find some reading material. We proceeded to stop at every location that might have a book that doesn’t feature Fabio on the cover. We did this back to Bellagio, where we stopped to pick up our tickets to O and make a reservation for Olives.
We spent the afternoon relaxing at the hotel, I watched my football bets go up in smoke while the wife napped. We went over to Bellagio at around six and watched a few fountain shows as our reservations weren’t until 8 with the show being at 10:30. As we were watching the fountains, we were approached by a couple attractive girls in their low 20s. They asked me to take their picture, and of course I obliged. I always agree to take pictures for people, but I’m a little more eager when it involves attractive women. They were fairly particular, they wanted full body shots (insert joke here) and I needed to take a picture with each of their cameras. I took the pictures and I thought I had done a decent job. My wife was looking over my shoulder and she pointed out I cut off their feet. I guess I was more interested in what they had to offer farther north. Sure enough, they thanked me and proceeded to ask another guy 20 feet away to take their picture. Apparently my photography skills are only surpassed by my ability to handicap sporting events.
We had dinner at Olives next. The wife had the pork tenderloin, I had the ricotta ravioli. Mine was good, but the sauce was a little too strong for my taste. I had some of my wife’s tenderloin and it was phenomenal. It was perfectly prepared and it absolutely melted in my mouth. I normally wouldn’t say any dish is worth $35, but this one definitely was. The service was also exceptional. He put up with my wise cracks about the $5000 bottle of champagne on the wine list and was very attentive. When he dropped off the check he asked if we wanted to charge it to our room. I responded that we weren’t staying there, but I’d be happy to charge it to someone else’s room. He said sure, charge it to the Underhill’s. I thought I was the only person that would still drop Fletch quotes. I tipped him more than usual and complemented him on his well-timed movie quote.
Our tickets to O were limited view seats in section 203, I believe it was row Q or R. I highly recommend buying limited view seats as they cost significantly less and the view isn’t really limited. The obstruction was a one inch thick handrail four rows ahead of us. The part of the stage it barely blocked is at the bottom of the stage, so we didn’t miss anything by sitting there. The show is hard to describe. There isn’t really a story, or if there is I’m too dumb to get it. The stunts and acrobatics are amazing and the fact that the stage can be a pool one instant to being dry the next is pretty cool. I guess my final verdict is it was worth going to once, but I wouldn’t drop $100/ticket to see it again.
It was a little after midnight when the show ended, so we packed it in for the night.
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Vegas trip report-Day 2

Day 2: Losses pile up

The wife wanted Krispy Kremes and Starbucks for breakfast. I figured that wouldn’t be too difficult as there is a place that has Krispy Kremes in TI and there’s a Starbucks on every corner. I made my way over to TI only to discover the Krispy Kremes hadn’t been delivered yet. It was 7:45, but the attendant said they should be arriving in 15 minutes. I’m the consummate skeptic, so I figured it would take longer than 15 minutes and I could easily find something in less time than it took to wait for the donuts. I swung by a Starbucks on the way back, grabbed some Burger King breakfast from O’Sheas, and picked up something in the muffin food group in the hotel. I had made 4 stops for a $10 breakfast.

I scarfed down breakfast and headed over to the Mirage to place some football bets. MGM/Mirage is the only casino group (that I know of) that puts together money line cards. The card is simple: Just pick the winners. Each team has a certain point value, the bigger underdogs have higher point values. The payout is based on how many points you accumulate. And, of course, every team you pick has to win for it to pay out. One card I filled out was fairly conservative, consisting of all favorites. The other was more aggressive with a couple underdogs.
I met up with the wife at the hotel and we wandered south on the strip. She was going to catch the Duece to the outlet mall, searching for a sports book that wasn’t packed or possibly play some poker. I didn’t have any luck finding a cash game to suit my limited bank roll, so I wandered through several casinos. I played some video poker (and lost) while my sports bets were also going down the drain.
I met up with the wife at about 4 and we headed to downtown. There was a very strange altercation at our bus stop. There were probably 15 people waiting to board when the bus pulled up. The driver said drop off only, but then proceeded to open the front door and let people on. I didn’t think anything of it, I was just glad we wouldn’t have to wait for the next bus. An older gentleman did take exception and he got very irate, despite the fact that he was allowed on the bus. He got so upset the supervisor that was riding along told him to get off the bus and he radioed to the next bus to not pick him up. It was very surreal, as I can’t imagine getting that upset over nothing.
The ride downtown took over a half hour, so by the time we walked around for awhile we were hungry. I’ve only been downtown once before and had a terrible dining experience. The wife didn’t want a buffet, so we settled on the Bay City diner in the Golden Gate Casino. I had the $5.99 meatloaf special, although there was nothing all that special about it except it was cheap and didn’t make me throw up. The service was good and the food was cheap and forgettable.
We stopped at the Golden Nugget next as they were giving away $10 in free slot play to new card members. Since neither of us were card members, I thought maybe this was a chance for at least one of us to come out ahead. We got our cards and sat down at a couple video poker machines. We were playing three play quarter machines, so we were dropping $3.75 on each deal. We were both lucky, as the wife cashed out $16 and I was $12 up after burning through our free money. This turned out to be my only win of the day. Now it was time to get something to drink.
We went to Mermaids next as my wife has never experienced the joy of deep fat fried oreos and twinkies. We got one of each and bought frozen drink in a football. I’m not sure how big it was, but it was plenty for the two of us. The way the night was going, it was going to be a wonder if we both managed to hold down the deadly combination cheap alcohol and suspect food.
As we headed out of Mermaids I asked a bartender where the Duece picked up to get us back to the strip. She said go to the end of the canopy and take a left. I asked if she meant by the Walgreens where we got dropped off. She said it was, so we made our way to the bus stop. I was a bit skeptical that we were in the right spot because no one got on there when we were dropped off. I was looking at the map when a guy approached us and asked if we were trying to get back to the strip. We replied, and he informed us we needed to go to the next block and he offered to point us the way. We thanked him, then he mentioned he doesn’t charge for directions but he could really use some spare change if we had anything. I knew I only had a quarter in my pocket, and since I make a point of not opening up my wallet in these type of situations, that’s all I gave him. After all, what is the fair market value of directions that I was about to figure out myself? I have to admit I do admire his entrepreneurial spirit. Most beggars sit around and hope people feel sorry for them. This guy knew tourists would be needing directions to the bus and he strategically placed his business to benefit from it.
We got on the Duece and made our way back to the hotel. The huge drink didn’t make us drunk, just kinda full. We decided to call it a night.
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Vegas trip report-November 2008

The wife and I just got back from Vegas. Just a warning in advance, this report may get long and drawn out. I've only finished day 1 and it's already 2 pages.

Day 1:Arrival

We were on the first United flight out of Cedar Rapids, which led us to believe we should be departing on time. Unfortunately, someone forgot to start warming up the plane on time. We were scheduled to have a 40-minute layover in Denver, now I was envisioning the wife and I sprinting through the airport to catch our connector. Actually, I envisioned myself sprinting while my wife would be power walking while screaming “Stop the plane!” We went up to the counter in Cedar Rapids to see where our gate would be in Denver. We were landing at gate 91, and we were hoping to be as lucky as the guys in front of us who had to go all of 20 feet to gate 93. We, on the other hand, had to get to gate 38.

.

The plane left about 20 minutes late, but we made up time in the air through the use of a shortcut? (how are there shortcuts in the air? And why not use them all the time?) and arrived about 5-10 minutes late. The wife and I power-walked it to our flight to Vegas and made it with time to spare.

We made it to Vegas at about 9:30, so the airport was dead. I’ve always flown to Vegas in the afternoon/evening, so I had never experienced the joy of McCarren when it’s empty. We didn’t have to climb over people to get luggage and there was no line for taxis. Our cab driver was a kindred soul as it quickly became apparent he was a degenerate gambler. He regaled us of 5-figure slot wins and bad beat jackpots. Like a true degenerate gambler, he never mentioned losses. I guessing he had many as he was easily in his mid-60s and still driving a cab. I tipped him well when we arrived at the Flamingo and we went in with a slim hope of a room being available at 10:30.

The only rooms were smoking or queen, so we set off to find some food. I wanted to try Margaritaville as I’ve heard good reviews about their nachos. It was still early, but I was hoping we’d beat the lunch rush and get seated. The hostess said there was a 20 minute wait, or we could sit at the bar. The wife and I were both starving, and the bar was empty so we walked over and sat down. There was no bartender at the time, but we figured one would be around shortly. We sat there for 10 minutes, still no bartender. I looked over at the hostess a couple times (she was no more than 20 feet away), thinking maybe she could assist instead of busily doing nothing. Finally I walked over to her and asked if someone would be around to take our order. She informed me that we were at the wrong bar, and we needed to go upstairs to get served. I relayed this message to my wife, then had to tranquilize her as she was ready to strangle the hostess. Instead, we walked upstairs to find absolutely no seating available. We walked out, with me strategically placing myself between the hostess and my wife to avoid any bloodshed.

At this point we were starving and would have settled for anything short of the hot dogs at Slots-O-Fun. We walked across the street to O’Sheas and went to Burger King. I don’t have any proof, but I think the reason I have a low-level addiction to their double stacker is because they sprinkle just a pinch of crack cocaine on each sandwich.

We continued north on the strip and decided to kill some time at the Grand Canal Shoppes as our room wouldn’t be ready for at least another hour. We almost turned around at the entrance due to the overpowering smell of vanilla. Seriously, does anyone like vanilla enough to want to walk through the doors? We held our breath and got past the worst of the stench.

After killing an hour in the Grand Canal Shoppes, we went back to the Flamingo and found our room to be ready. Here’s another benefit of arriving early-we didn’t have to wait in a huge line to get check in. We got our keys, picked up our bags and went up to the room. We were on the 14^th floor (I’m not terribly superstitious, but I did notice there wasn’t a 13^th floor so essentially the 14^th floor is the 13^th floor) and it was a bit difficult finding the room as our room number had been torn off the wall. The room was decent sized but largely unremarkable. The bathtub stopper was broken and the room showed some age, but we got the king bed we requested so I was happy.

As the wife settled in, went downstairs to scope out the betting lines and buy an anniversary card (it was our 10^th). Yeah, I know I should have bought a card earlier but I had bought a ring and written a potentially meaningful note, so the card wasn’t all that important. The wife was pleasantly surprised, which is a fairly rare feat for me to accomplish.

The wife laid down for a nap while I decided to go on a hike. I’d heard the Hilton has the best sportsbook around, so I decided to find out for myself. Most logical people would have taken the monorail from Harrah’s to the Hilton, but I decided to walk it. The weather was perfect so I was comfortable walking it, but I wouldn’t do it if the temps were above 80. The rumors I heard about the sportsbook were correct. It’s huge and has great odds. For instance, at the Hilton the pay on a 4-team parlay is 13 for 1. At MGM, it’s 11 for 1 and Harrah’s is 12 for 1. I placed a few bets, played some video poker (and lost) and headed back to the Flamingo.

We headed to Fashion Show Mall, which wasn’t terribly busy even though it was Black Friday. We had dinner at California Pizza Kitchen and decided to have a few drinks on the way back to the hotel. The first stop was Kahunaville, since we got a 2-for-1 drink coupon on the way into TI. I’m usually not a big coupon guy, but considering the drink prices in Vegas I was all for it. The bartender at Kahunaville was very entertaining, although I noticed there is a wide range of bartending ability there. Our bartender was flipping bottles all over the place. The next bartender down the line did a trick I think I could do with 15 minutes of practice. His trick consisted of pouring alcohol from about 2 feet above the glass.

Kahunaville was dead (it was still pretty early) so we had our drinks and headed to the Piano Bar at Harrah’s. We had 2-for-1 coupons again so we drank relatively cheap. When we arrived they were doing karaoke. I must say, the karaoke there was significantly better than any I’d heard before. People that can sing that good where I come from get hired as wedding singers. There was an occasional dud (some woman screeching out “Dixie” comes to mind), but overall it was great. The dueling pianos started not long we arrived and they were good, although I think I was equally entertained by the karaoke. We listened to the dueling pianos for about an hour and were feeling drunk enough that we decided to head for the hotel.

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