Day 3:A Day at Sea

I started the day by browsing through the cruise guide in our room. That was when I realized every member of our party would be assessed a gratuity fee of $10/day. Being the cheapskate I am, I was a little pissed. I'm pretty sure my 3-year-old isn't going to require enough assistance from the staff to cost them $10/day.
What I remember specifically about our first full day at sea was the wife and our middle child feeling the ill-effects of motion sickness. They both took some medication and did a fair amount of sleeping that day. I wandered around the boat a lot and started feeling a little claustrophobic. The ship seems huge from the outside, but if you walk around for an hour you can see everything with a half hour to spare. The kids and I played mini-golf, which is a bit frustrating on a boat. The mini-golf course is on the top level with nothing blocking the gale force winds coming off the gulf. It's literally windy enough to blow the ball around the course.

The dining room was formal attire that night, so we opted for the buffet again. I couldn't believe how many people dressed up to eat. My vacation attire is strictly shorts and t-shirts, not suit and tie. And, of course, the staff took plenty of pictures of people in their formal attire to sell them at ridiculous profits.
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Day 2: Arrival

Staying in Tupelo left us with about a 4.5 hour drive to Mobile. We got up, had breakfast, had a slight miscommunication with Gimpy about when we’d depart, then we got on the road. We arrived in Mobile with time to spare, which was good because Mobile doesn’t believe in signage. We had directions, but once you can see the boat you’d expect to be able to drive right to it. Not the case. At all. We missed the turn the first time, looped back around, went under the bay twice, made a U-turn, visited Cuba, before finally finding the parking ramp.

There was a huge line to get into the ramp as every car is stopped and sniffed by the police dog. Good thing they weren’t looking for prescriptions or Gimpy would still be getting searched. We dropped off our bags and got yelled at because we hadn’t attached our tags yet. These were the paper tags so they know where to send your bags on the boat. If I were in the mood for an argument, I would have asked why we would attach said tags before we got there. We travelled 900 miles and spent the night on the way. If we had attached paper tags before we left, they would have definitely been torn off by the time we arrived. And then we almost left our passports in the suitcases. That would have made clearing customs excessively difficult.
Getting on a cruise ship requires waiting in endless lines. There were only 2000 passengers on the ship, yet there were at least 8000 people in line. However, we were fortunate that my wife likes spending my money. She paid extra to be on the top level, so we got VIP treatment. We went through a short security line while 8000 people shot us angry looks. Gimpy set off the metal detectors with her knees, but they took it easy on her despite me telling them she was carrying. We also had to go through a health screening, which is a colossal waste of time. You fill out a form saying if you’re sick, and if you are they make you go to the medical station on the ship. So everyone claims to be healthy and tries to hide their smallpox. We got our badges/room keys/charge cards (DON’T LOSE THESE OR WE THROW YOU OVERBOARD!!!) and headed on board. But not before they had to take our picture. Then we went up the ramps and got on board, where each person gets their picture taken individually. This is a recurring theme (in case you hadn’t noticed) that Carnival really likes taking your picture. Then they try to sell you your picture at a ridiculous profit.
We went to find something to eat (it was about 2pm and we hadn’t eaten lunch) and settled for the outdoor deli near the pool. We did the throw-a-bunch-of-crap-in-a-bowl stir fry (similar to Hu Hot or Genghis Grill) with below average results, but we were starving so it didn’t really matter. We hung out on the deck for awhile before I went to find a TV to watch the Hawks (SPOILER ALERT: they lost in gut-wrenching fashion again). The first place I went agreed to change one of the 3 TVs to the Iowa game (all 3 were on the LSU game) and they gave me the one where it appeared there was an earthquake in Iowa City. He also informed me there was a lounge a level below. I took the hint and went downstairs, there another aloof bartender changed one 4 inch TV to the Iowa game while the 2 96 inch TVs were still on, you guessed it, the LSU game. She also sold me a $6 glass of beer (17% gratuity included). Then they turned it off after 15 minutes because everyone had to go listen to the safety briefing. Lots of irate LSU fans after that.
I know the cool kids skip the safety briefing, but apparently kids need to attend to get wristbands directing them where to go if the ship sinks. Once again, DON’T LOSE THESE OR WE THROW YOU OVERBOARD!!! After the safety briefing, I wasn’t interested in going back to the bar so I went to our room and watched the rest of the game there. We hit the buffet for dinner, then wandered around for awhile before calling it a night. Zach went to the kids club and seemed to like it (he wasn’t one of the kids bawling uncontrollably when I picked him up) while the girls met a girl named Jamie to hang out with for the rest of the trip. And Jamie, if you're reading this, the girls lost your home address so don't expect any correspondence from them. Also, if you're reading this, it's an amazing coincidence and you probably need a better hobby than wandering through the blogosphere.
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Day 1: Getting there is not half the fun

Wow, 2 months since my last post. I guess I could think up an excuse, like I've been in a coma or I have amnesia. I can't even say I've been terribly busy. Maybe the problem is I used to be in class and could write instead of paying attention. Now I'm at home every night and have three "distractions."
We set out on a Friday morning with a facing a 10-hour drive and dreaming of sun and sand on a 5-day cruise. The roll call for this trip was the wife and I, our 3 kids and Gimpy (my mother-in-law). Despite getting both knees replaced in the last couple years, she’ll always be Gimpy to me. At least when I’m writing about her and am trying to preserve her anonymity. We didn’t get off to a great start as getting 6 people plus luggage in a minivan can be a tight squeeze. Plus, my wife and her mother insist on traveling with their own pillows. Must be something genetic. Anyway, after wrestling Gimpy into her support hose and cramming everyone in, we set sail.

I have to say, we made good time. With 3 kids and a grandmother on board, I was expecting a lot of stops. We drove 2.5 hrs and stopped for lunch in Hannibal, MO (Long John Silvers, which is quite possibly the greatest seafood on earth) and stopped in Sikeston, MO for gas. It was one of the filthiest gas stations I’ve been to. The bathroom had a half dozen flies buzzing around (and it was a bathroom with a single, barely functioning toilet) and some old geezer was walking around with a cigarette that had 2 inches of ash ready to fall off. One of the best things my great state of Iowa has ever done was outlaw smoking in everywhere except casinos.
We went from Sikeston to Tupuelo, MS and spent the night there. The wife insisted that we stop at Walmart because she had forgotten shampoo. I mentioned there will be shampoo on the boat, and it’ll probably be complimentary. She claimed there wouldn’t be, and once again I was proven right. Sometimes it’s hard being me.
The standard chain restaurants (Applebees, Olive Garden, etc) were all packed so I got to eat at one of my absolute favorites, Steak Escape. They have a dish called the Smashed Potato and it is phenomenal. It’s a baked potato chopped up and grilled, then topped with steak, cheese, onion, green peppers and mushroom. Plus, I think it’s fat free, but I can’t back that up.
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Vegas 2010-Just the highlights

I recently took my 8th trip to Las Vegas. I’ve done the blow-by-blow trip report a few times and I’ve gotten to the point where there isn’t much left to say. However, there is always something unique about a trip to Vegas so I’m going to focus on some of the new experiences of this trip.

The wife and I stayed at Monte Carlo, along with our travel companions Mr. and Mrs. Fancypants. This was our first time at Monte Carlo and we found to be incredibly average. Rooms are decent-larger than New York-New York, but not decorated as well. Our rooms also had the old school tube tv’s, but who goes to Vegas to watch tv. The pool area is nice with a wave pool and a lazy river. We spent a lot of time in and around the lazy river. I don’t know who came up with the idea of a lazy river, but it had to be an American. I can see the inventors floating in a pool and getting pissed that they had to paddle themselves over to the beer cooler. They rack their brains for an afternoon and then it comes to them-instead of moving our bodies, we’ll move the water! It’ll look like you’re working really to move around the water when, in reality, you don’t even need to be conscious to get around the lazy river. In fact, I think there were some people that didn’t even have a pulse and were still doing laps in the lazy river.
Since the first time I went to Vegas I’ve wanted to go to the top of the Stratosphere. This was the trip that I finally got to cross it off my bucket list. The wife shopped at ground level while Mr. and Mrs. F and I went to the top of the Stratosphere. We bought tickets for 2 rides and made our way to 1000 feet above the strip. Our first ride was the Big Shot, which is essentially a tower that shoots the riders another 150 ft. into the Vegas sky. The first thing you notice when you get onto the platform is the wind. Ok, maybe you notice the height first so maybe the wind is the second thing. The day we were up there the wind was whipping 30 to 40 MPH. I’ve been on a lot of thrill rides, but I can honestly say this was the first time I’ve been scared before the ride even started. They should sell clean underwear in the gift shop at the top of the Stratosphere. The ride was great and the view is phenomenal. Our second ride was the Xscream. It’s a very basic ride. It’s just 4 cars on a roller coaster track that dangles over the edge the tower. I let the F’s ride in front, which is apparently a much scarier view as the only thing between the rider and the pavement is a lap restraint. After we got done with the rides we needed a drink. After sitting in the bar for 20 minutes I noticed my hands were still shaking.
I don’t the chance to eat at a Brazilian steakhouse very often in Iowa, so I took the opportunity to reserve a table at Samba in the Mirage. For the uninitiated, the premise of a Brazilian steakhouse is the wait staff walks around with huge skewers of meat. They come by your table and slice off as much as you want. It’s pretty cool. The ambiance isn’t great, it’s open to the casino floor. Some of the meat was very good, particularly the lamb and the flank steak. Some wasn’t so great, the pork and the sausage was a bit overdone. Overall, I’m glad we went as we enjoyed stuffing our faces. I’m not sure I’d go back at $40 per person, but it was definitely worth doing once.
After getting the meat sweats at Samba we watched the volcano erupt at Mirage. I’d seen it several years ago and it was fairly unimpressive. It used to look like a C- shop class project. They renovated it last year and it’s definitely a lot cooler than it used to be. It’s synchronized to music and the explosions are a lot bigger than they used to be.
Gambling was fairly uneventful. I made a lot of bets on college and pro football and, despite several near misses, I still nearly broke even. The disappointing aspect is the amount of time I spent researching lines and trends resulted in just worse than break even. I guess that’s why they call it gambling.
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Adventureland: Reservation for 23

We’ve made it a tradition to go to Adventureland every summer. We typically invited several other families to join us, and most turn us down because, well, it’s Adventureland. It’s not exactly Disneyworld or Six Flags. It’s not the happiest place on earth. The employees are either high schoolers or geriatrics that made questionable financial decisions. Well, this year was different. Everyone we asked wanted to go to Adventureland with us, and then some. Our headcount grew to 23, spanning 6 families.

The traveling group got off to a bad start that day. We were first on the road and took the roll of running blocker, just like in Smokey and the Bandit. It didn’t work quite as well, maybe that’s because we were driving a minivan instead of a Trans Am. Despite us notifying the rest of the vehicles of a smokey at mile marker 201, one of the group still got pulled over. Maybe we should have used CB’s instead of cell phones.
We arrived a couple minutes before the park opened and my oldest daughter tripped and scraped her foot before we even got through the gate. As soon as the park opened, my 3-year-old son Zach and I made a bee line to the bumper cars. My oldest daughter Mady split off to go to another ride, but before I even got on the bumper cars she was coming back crying. Her knees were bleeding, but that wasn’t the real problem. It was abundantly obvious that she had broken the middle finger on her left hand.
We took her to the first aid (which was run by 2 old guys that have made bad decisions) and they used their advanced medical knowledge to proclaim that she might have broken her finger. Or maybe it was just dislocated. Or it might just be a hangnail. My wife and one of the other mothers were directed to the local urgent care clinic and I stayed with the other kids. We were hoping they would put it in a splint and send her back to the park, instead the said she needs to see a specialist. The wife drove her home, and we were down to a group of 21. (Post script-she’s doing fine, the specialist straightened her finger and she got a new pair of shoes for not freaking out during the procedure.)
I spent a good portion of the rest of the day with Zach, who tried to set a record for most bumper car rides in one day. And there was an incident in the men’s room (get your mind out of the gutter). Zach had to go to the bathroom, so I took him and I went to the trough. I assumed he would go to a stall as he’s a bit on the short side. Instead, he followed me to the trough and I mentioned he might be a little too short. He didn’t listen or didn’t care, as he dropped his drawers and proceeded to pee right into the side of the trough. He fruitlessly tried to aim higher, then decided to turn 90 degrees (thankfully away from me) and pee directly onto the floor. I did nothing to stop him, it had been a long day and there wasn’t anyone else in the restroom. Hopefully the cleaning crew visited that night.
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Acrapolypse now

There is a lot of speculation about the end of the world. Most people assume the there will be some kind of natural disaster or maybe a nuclear war. No matter how you see the world ending, it typically involves going out in a blaze of glory. Personally, I think the end of the world will look a lot like my bathroom did tonight.

My son Zach is on the tail end of potty training. It was kind of long haul because, well, he's a boy. He's done very well lately and we've gotten to the point where we don't have to remind him to go to the bathroom. Well, for the last week Zach has been feeling a little under the weather. He ran a fever, but had no other symptoms. He stopped running a fever a couple days ago and we figured it was over. We were wrong.
My wife was first on the scene. I heard the horrified shrieks only moments before the smell hit me. I grew up on a farm, so the smell of raw feces isn't foreign to me. However, I wasn't prepared for the sight.
My first thought was that our bathroom had been violated by a dozen truckers after a chili eating contest and the toilet exploded. The sheer volume of excrement that my 40-pound son had produced was unbelievable. In fact, it looked like he had crapped more than his body weight. And, of course, almost none of it made it into the toilet.
The first thing we did was call the National Guard. After all, this was a natural disaster. We got a recording. My next idea was to light the house on fire. I don't think we'd even need to make it look like an accident. The insurance company would agree the house was a total loss already.
Cooler heads prevailed and we set about cleaning up the Zach and the bathroom. And the hallway outside the bathroom (not sure if he was leaking on the way or if his explosive diarrhea shot crap 8 feet). Make sure to keep plenty of Clorox wipes around. The end of the world is going to be messy.
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Romance on the dirt pile

My 8-year-old came home from school the other day with a strange request. She asked if she could go to the dirt pile. The dirt pile is due to the construction going on behind our house. Our view of open field will soon become the view of a new development. Anyway, my wife naturally refused this request. She didn’t know why our 8-year-old princess would want to play on a dirt pile, but I’m guessing she was suspicious enough to deny the request immediately.

Luckily, my wife runs a daycare which means she has access to several tattle-tales. One of them informed my wife as to why our daughter wanted to go play on a dirt pile. Apparently the little boy that she has a crush on was going to be playing on the dirt pile after school and they were going to meet up and play together. While I’m not prone to over-reacting, I can’t help but think the girl that meets boys on a dirt pile could grow up to have facial tattoos and body piercings.
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What happened to your face?

The wife and I went out last weekend to celebrate a friend's birthday. It was a fairly large group of people consisting of co-workers, family and friends. I think it's safe to say no one knew everyone else in the group, except the birthday girl. We went to a comedy club and then moved the party to a local bar. And hilarity ensued. Or maybe not so much hilarity as uncomfortableness.

I'm the type of person that doesn't seek out new friends in this type of social gathering. I'll sit in the corner with people I already know. A friend of ours is the opposite. She'll strike up a conversation with anyone. In fact, I'm fairly convinced she recently took up smoking purely for the social aspect. Anyway, this friend starts talking to a guy in the group I'll call "Uncle Doug." I call him that because he is the birthday girl's uncle and his name is Doug. Anyway, Uncle Doug has a fairly sizable scar on the side of his neck up to his face. She opens the conversation with "What happened to your face, did you try to kill yourself?" Unfortunately the answer was yes. And that's why I don't strike up conversation with people I don't know.
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Discount movie review-Paranormal Activity

I've been on a roll lately. Every movie I see somehow manages to suck more than the previous one. My most recent terrible movie is Paranormal Activity.

This movie's big claim was it was made for about $3.50. I would have paid 10 times that to not see it and get that hour and a half back. I was thinking it would be like the Blair Witch Project, only with camera work that wouldn't make my wife puke. That really happened, by the way. I told her not to get wasted before the movie. It did have better camera work, but it was missing what made Blair Witch good. This movie wasn't scary, which is fairly important in a horror movie. I had been mislead that it would be scary from the movie advertisements showing people jumping out of their skin. My guess is they were watching a different movie. So there it is folks. If you want to get scared, don't watch Paranormal Activity. Instead, go find a Toyota with a sticky accelerator.
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A scrotum by any other name

Sometimes I create a post strictly because the title I come up with really cracks me up. Here's the story:

The wife was explaining to one of the day care parents about yeast infections. She knows more about yeast infections in babies than pretty much anyone I know. That's probably not something to be proud of. Anyway, she was explaining to one of the parents that yeast infections on boys shows up as red spots on their scrotum. At that point my 8-year-old daughter piped up and asked, "What's a scrotum?"
The wife responds, "It's their ball sack."
My daughter comes back with "Well why didn't you just call it by its real name?"
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Pillow fight

This is an actual conversation I had with my wife a couple nights ago. It’s as close as we get to pillow talk. Don’t worry, it’s mostly safe for all audiences.

Wife: I really appreciate that you made the bed…
Me: I smell a ‘but’ coming
Wife: HOWEVER
Me: That’s pretty much the same as a ‘but’
Wife: Anyway, do you see how some of our pillows have zippers? (at this point she uses a prop in case I’m unfamiliar with zippers)
Me: Yes
Wife: When you put the pillowcases on the pillows, can you make sure the zippers are at the bottom of the pillowcase?
Me: Um, why?
Wife: Because if the zippers are toward the open end of the pillowcase, the zippers can cut me.
Me: You’ve suffered lacerations from a pillow zipper?
Wife: Yes
Me: Really
Wife: Yes. The pillow can work its way out of the pillowcase and the zipper digs into my skin.
Me: That’s different than getting cut.
Wife: It’s uncomfortable and I’d like you put the pillowcases on differently.
Me: So you’re admitting you never really suffered lacerated from a pillow.
Wife: Just do it and shut up.
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Vegas musings-part 2

My brother joined me in Vegas on Friday and we shared the luxury accommodations at the Flamingo. The first night he was there the people in the room next to ours started partying at about 5am. My guess is they had started partying elsewhere and had to move the party back to their room. Needless to say I didn’t get a lot of sleep after that. The next night a guy started pounding on a door near ours between 5 and 6am. He was very persistent, and probably very drunk. He finally gave in after beating the crap out of the door for a half hour. My brother was up an about around 9 that morning and he found him passed out in the hallway right outside our door.

I saw a guy walking through a fountain outside Ceasar’s Palace picking up change that had been thrown in it. I got the feeling he wasn’t supposed to be there, especially since he seemed to be avoiding the pennies. I guess the economic downturn is hitting the panhandlers too. That reminds me, I saw a panhandler holding a sign that said “I’m not going to lie, I need a beer.” I wonder if he does better than the average panhandler because of his amazing wit. If so, I know what my next career move will be.
One of my favorite parts of traveling around Vegas is talking to the cabbies. They always have an opinion and they tend to be great storytellers. I was really disappointed this trip. The driver to my hotel didn’t speak very good English and he was more interested in talking on his cell phone. The guy that took me back to the airport was the laziest cabby I’ve ever met. He didn’t put my luggage in the car and he insisted the bellhop put it in the front seat with him. When we arrived at the airport, I had to get the luggage myself as he made no move to assist. Needless to say, I under-tipped him.
All in all, it was a pretty decent trip. I got to hang out with my brother and John while completely focusing on gambling. When I left I thought I was way down, but I hit a couple sports bets and I’m now about even. It wasn’t my cheapest trip ever to Vegas, but it was close. All told including gambling I spent less than $550 for 4 nights. I didn’t exactly eat like a king (although I did eat at Burger King) but I did get to one of my favorite places to eat, Toby Keith’s Bar and Grill. The pulled pork sandwich is very good and they serve beer in mason jars.
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