History Channel

What’s the scariest network on television? Sci-Fi Network? Nope. HBO on a Friday the 13^th? Uh-uh. Fox News? Not even close. By far the scariest TV is being produced by the History Channel. The other networks make up scary stuff; the History Channel tells you about the different ways you’re going to die and how uncomfortable it will be. And they have shows about Hitler.

I’m not a History Channel addict, but over the last couple months I’ve been told all humans will be wiped off the earth by one of several calamities (Now that’s a word that isn’t plural very often. Usually one calamity is plenty). Sometimes they’re very tangible, like global warming, nuclear war, alien viruses (I didn’t make that up), massive volcanoes, etc. Other times, we find out the world is going to end on 12/20/2012. I didn’t make that up either. And if the world doesn’t end on 12/20/2012, it’ll definitely end in 2026 when an asteroid is supposed to be on a collision course with earth.

I know what you’re thinking. The History Channel should be focused on history. But the History Channel has taken it one step farther. They want to do shows about when we’ll become history.

The end of the world coming in 41/2 years makes me nervous. There are a lot of things I’d like to do yet, like see my kids leave the house. The History Chanel didn’t make this day up, it comes from the Mayans. You remember those guys, they spent all their free time making calendars and inventing the month of May*. Think Calendar Club, but with stone and slightly fewer sales. Apparently, the Mayans calendars stopped at 12/20/2012. This led the bright people at the History Channel to determine the world will end on 12/20/2012. Now I’m naturally analytical and skeptical so I think there might be other reasons they stopped the calendar at 12/20/2012. For starters, they were using stone. And it was about a thousand years ago. Can you imagine how long it would take to carve a thousand years of stone calendars? Maybe the calendar carvers got tired. Maybe calendar sales were soft for a couple holiday seasons so they discontinued the calendar lines in favor of those cheesy rippling water pictures with waterfall sounds that make me want to pee. My point is maybe we shouldn’t trust some culture that was conquered by the Spanish a thousand years ago. I mean, when was the last time the Spanish conquered anything?

The asteroid scenario is also a bit unsettling, and not just because Bruce Willis won’t be around to blow it up. Apparently the best idea we have to stop this asteroid is to send a satellite to it and use the gravitational pull between the asteroid and the satellite to “guide” it around the earth. Who the hell came up with this idea, Wil E. Coyote? (Yeah, I know, two Armageddon references are two too many) The “scientists” said blowing it up will make a lot of small asteroids hit the earth instead of one big asteroid. Apparently these scientists have never been in a rock fight. It is much better to get pelted by dozen of pebbles than by a concrete barricade.

So what does this all mean? It means you need to start living a little. Don’t go into work tomorrow. Max out your credit cards. Take a trip to Mexico and visit what’s left of the Mayan civilization that gave us the heads up about our eminent destruction. Go for it, because chances are that cold you think you’re coming down with is really an alien virus.

*probably not.

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Bullying

My eldest daughter got beat up again yesterday. I think we've raised a good kid, but apparently she provokes others. That's the only explanation I have for the regularity of the ass-kickings. A better parent would insert themself into the situation and call the kids parents, the school, law enforcement, etc.
The problem is I don't think it would do any good. After all, who do you call when your kid is getting beat up by inanimate objects. Last night was a perfect example. She was playing with a play dance bar (at least I think that's what it's called, it looks like a track hurdle to me) and everything was fine. The next thing I know, I hear a thump and when I turn around she's getting pinned by the dance bar.
I realize a lot of kids are clumsy. I'm not exactly graceful, but I have never witnessed anyone get beat up that often by furniture. At some point, I expect her to retaliate. Isn't that how bullying works? The big kid picks on the little kid until finally the little kid has enough and goes midievel on the big kid. One of these days I'm hoping to come home and see her kicking the crap out of our sectional. Read more on this article...

Tooth Fairy

Of all the charades we play as parents, maybe the most ridiculous is the Tooth Fairy. I'm continually amazed that my children, especially my eight-year-old, still believe. In addition to being the most ridiculous, the Tooth Fairy charade is the most difficult to keep up. The math is staggering. I have three children and, although I'm not a dentist, I think they possess 87 baby teeth each. I attempt to wake up and replace tooth for cash seemingly every night. That being said, I think I deserve some slack on the occasion when the Tooth Fairy gig doesn't go according to plan. .
My eight-year-old had to get a couple teeth pulled this week (luckily she has 85 other teeth to fall back on). It was a bit traumatic despite them being baby teeth. Apparently the roots of these teeth reached to the top of her skull. Anyway, she wanted to take these teeth to school and gross out her classmates. We had no reason to believe she wouldn't, so we determined we were off the hook for the night. Well, it's a women's perogative to change her mind, and that's exactly what she did. She was disappointed and my wife was looking for a logical (or any) excuse as to how this oversight could happen. I suggested she tell her the Tooth Fairy has gotten hit pretty hard by the credit crunch, and wouldn't be able to pay for her teeth until a new line of credit was established. Apparently that wasn't the right answer.

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Mistaken Identity

I've been a bit of a delinquent blogger lately, hopefully that hasn't discouraged my throngs of faithful readers. My brain is a little fried from studying so I'm going to stick with something I wrote awhile back. .

I’ve done plenty of stupid things. For the most part, I’ve managed to avoid actions that would lead a normal person to question my intellect. That was until recently, as I now do something stupid on a weekly basis.

My wife, the kids and I went out to dinner with my sister and her children one evening. We went to Pizza Ranch (motto: Free angioplasty after you’re 10^th visit! If you live that long!) and my wife, sister and the kids went to the park afterward. I had some yard work to do that evening so we split up. My wife took our van to the park, while I used my sister’s van to get home.

We left the restaurant (yeah, I know that’s a bit of a stretch to call it a restaurant) at about the same time. I used the remote to unlock the door and hopped in the van. I put the key in the ignition but I couldn’t get it to turn. I tried turning the wheel to make sure it was locked, still no go. I got out of the van, clicked the doors locked and unlocked thinking maybe there was some security feature that was keeping me from succeeding. I got back into the van and the results were the same as my first attempt. My next thought was the key wasn’t working, so maybe she has a spare key in her purse. Her purse was on the floor (I made a mental note that she had purchased a new purse) but after rifling through I didn’t find a spare key.

Luckily the park was only a couple blocks away, so I hiked over to tell my sister the bad news that her van was broken. We hopped into our van and cruised back to the Pizza Ranch (Back so soon? You must really want that angioplasty!) so she could see for herself. I gave her the keys and she starting heading toward the wrong van. Or at least I thought it was the wrong van. Apparently those tricky bastards at General Motors produced more than one navy blue van. I had climbed into a Pontiac Montana; my sister drives a Chevy Venture. I had also rifled through some strangers purse and spent a significant amount of time trespassing in their vehicle. You’re probably wondering why the remote unlock worked. Well, it didn’t. The van I was in was never locked. My sister’s van was two cars away, so I heard her van lock and unlock while I was fruitlessly trying to steal a minivan.

If the van issue was an isolated incident, one could assume that I’m fairly normal with an occasional screw up. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I also have recurring problems with my pants.

Anyone that has ever been forced to study genetics in high school probably knows that men suffer from colorblindness at a much higher rate than women. My theory is men can see fine, but the pants manufacturers of the world are playing a cruel joke on men. Pants that appear to be black are sometimes navy. Black pants are really dark brown. And sometimes these pants change color without warning, kinda like those ridiculous hyper color t-shirts that were popular for 2 months during the 80’s.

I recently wore a pair of dark brown pants. I knew they were dark brown because I put the next to black pants and they definitely weren’t black. Naturally I carefully put together my outfit for the day under the assumption these pants would remain brown. I was ridiculed all day at work for wearing black pants and brown shoes. Now I have a pair of black/brown pants that I can’t wear in public for fear of them changing color.

Here’s what makes me sure this is a practical joke from the Worldwide Pants Manufacturing Organization (motto: Making asses look huge since 1853). Pants manufacturers could easily solve this by simply telling the customer what color the pants are and if the pants are likely to change color. Men could feel confident that clothing selection, instead of constantly second guessing their attire. Productivity would soar! Freedom would reign! Instead, the WPMO gets a chuckle out of every man they catch wearing hyper color pants.

So what have we learned here today? First, I’m not quite as perfect as most people think I am. Second, the WPMO has a sick sense of humor. And third, if you see some strange man in a mismatched outfit trying to start your car, just leave me alone. I’ll figure it out eventually. And I probably won’t steal anything from your purse.

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Las Vegas Trip Report-November 2007

Upon request, (this one's for you, Wanda) I'm posting the trip report of our last vacation in Las Vegas. We're 3 weeks from our next trip to Sin City and I think my brain is already there. I'll be writing up a trip report when we return, although I'm not sure it will be as funny as this one since my primary source for humor (the in-laws) won't be joining us. .
I traveled with my wife and her parents. And yes, I knew what I was in for. I spent spring break of my senior year of college with them and at that time I swore I would never travel with them again. I’m about 10 years older, but obviously no wiser. This was my 4th trip to Vegas, 2nd for my wife. My mother-in-law, Kay, has a wealth of health issues. She’s had one knee replaced and is scheduled to have the other replaced. She’s willing to try almost anything, the problem is she is physically limited. And she’s really bossy. She enjoys gambling and going to shows. This was her first trip to Vegas as an adult. Did I mention that she’s bossy? My father-in-law, Bill, is 40 years older than me and is in as good or better shape than me. He doesn’t enjoy anything. He doesn’t like to eat at new places, doesn’t like to gamble, doesn’t like shows. This was Bill’s first commercial flight and first trip to Vegas.

Day 1: Arrival
The flight was late departing so we arrived about 30 min late in Vegas. I reserved a mid-sized car at Dollar (I figured it was worth the extra $20 to make sure we got something that would fit 4) and got upgraded to a minivan. The downside is I already own a minivan, so driving one on vacation isn’t a big thrill. I made the mistake of not enrolling in their membership club, so the line was brutal. It took at least 30 min to get the van, including the argument over which color we should choose. We went to IHOP on the way to Excalibur. The food and service were pretty typical. I drove north on the strip to Excalibur and I had planned to valet park. I turned on Reno St. and tried to follow the signs, but I wound up at the Rotunda at the back of Excalibur. I parked in the loop and checked into the rooms. I had reserved two of the renovated rooms with king beds. They were out of kings, the only had rooms with 2 queens. The rooms were next door, but not connected. That was fine with me, I didn’t want to risk seeing my in-laws in their underwear.
The wife and the in-laws went to the rooms, I went to move the van. I was greeted by the security informing me I wasn’t allowed to park there. I replied that I tried to follow the signs to valet park, but I wound up at the shuttle/group reservation drop-off. He gave me a look that said “just move your $@#%ing car” so I self-parked, which was much closer than I expected, and threw away the notice security had put on the windshield.
Upon returning to the hotel, I went directly to the players club desk. I had signed up online, so getting my card went quickly. I also got $10 in free play. I then went to the sports books as I had several bets to place. I studied parlay cards, consulted my notes, and placed about $100 in bets. Most notably was the $50, 4 team parlay my brother asked me to place. The agreement was I’d do the research and place the bet and we’d split the winnings. For my $100 in bets I was rewarded with 2 drink tickets. I thought that was a bit cheap, but what do you expect at the Excalibur. I also showed my players card and the cashier looked at it like it was feces. Apparently I don’t get credit for sports betting? I left the sports book and headed to bed knowing I had a few more bets to place before the first game kicked off at 9am.

Day 2: Sports betting and a stroll down the strip

I got up at about 6am (after crashing at 2am) and made my way to the sports book. I placed a few more bets and headed back upstairs to see if the rest of the group was ready for breakfast. No one felt like going very far, so we settled on McDonalds. As you’ve probably noticed, we’re not big risk takers when it comes to dining out. Afterwards we made our way to MGM Grand. The wife and Kay wanted to check out tickets for Billy Joel. Apparently it was a surprise to the wife that he had a show that night even though I had mentioned it to her a couple months earlier and she wasn’t interested. We waited in a tremendously long line at the concierge and got the cheapest tickets for a total of about $90 each. They tried to talk me into going also, but to be honest there are only about 3 Billy Joel songs that I really enjoy. I couldn’t justify $90 for 3 songs. After getting the tickets we headed back to Excalibur so me and Bill could watch football. I have to say, sports are a lot more interesting (and tense) when you have money riding on the outcome. I was most interested in the 4 games I had bet with my brother as the payoff was 10-1. As the afternoon progressed, the first 3 teams covered fairly easily. I was getting nervous, so I went over to Tropicana to take my mind off the action. I signed up for their players card because the inflight magazine mentioned free show tickets and free slot play when you signed up. It sounded too good to be true and it was. I got a free pack of playing cards and was informed I’d need to rack up about a zillion points to get any free tickets. And the free slot play was one of those deals where you give them $20 and you get to gamble $50 on their “special” machines that only pay out if you hit a jackpot. When you lose your money you get to pick out some crappy prize they claim is worth over $20. The only good thing about Tropicana is I found video roulette machines that have a single 0. I played it for awhile and cashed out a little ahead. The last game was Miami at Virginia Tech, with VT needing to win by 17. VT led by 10 at halftime, and the lead slipped to 6 in the 3rd quarter. Then Miami made a few crucial mistakes and VT took advantage to throttle Miami by 30. I was pumped, as I’ve never won nearly this much before. I cashed in for $550. Maybe the best part was getting to thumb my nose at the wife. She’d given me a lot of grief the previous few months as I started researching the college football games 4 months before we came to Vegas. Looks like doing my homework wasn’t a waste of time.
We headed out for dinner with the in-laws early evening. The wife wanted to go to Rainforest Café because it was close to the show and because she likes to combine eating and shopping. I’ve always liked Rainforest because I always get a good meal and the service is great. This trip didn’t disappoint, I ordered a steak and shrimp dinner and it was very good. Everyone thoroughly enjoyed the experience.
After dinner, the wife and Kay headed to the show and me and the Bill went down the strip. We stopped at the Harley Davidson Café to look around and battled through a crowd to get past Planet Hollywood. Thousands of people were trying to get a glimpse of a celebrity coming down the red carpet for their grand opening, we just wanted to get to the fountains. We finally made it to the Bellagio and saw 2 fountain shows, then headed back to Excalibur. I went upstairs and grabbed a couple parlay tickets that still had a chance to win. I went to the sports book and watched the end of the Texas Tech game and the Boston College game. Not counting the $550 win, I cashed in $35 ahead that night on $40 in bets. It wasn’t that late, but I was spent as I’d been running on fumes since dinner. I went upstairs and crashed. Quick room review: The 42” TV in the renovated rooms is a nice touch. The bathrooms are nice, but I’m not a big fan of the urine-yellow walls. They’re equipped with shower only, no bathtub. The biggest complaint I had about the room were the beds. I like a nice soft bed, the beds were concrete.

Day 3: Grand Canyon and Hoover Dam

We decided to leave for the Grand Canyon at 7am and stop by Hoover Dam on the way. Lucky me, I had rented the car and was too cheap to add a driver so I would get to drive the round trip. I figured that since I’m incapable of sleeping while in a car, I might as well drive. I’ve been on several trips of 5+ hours and I’m usually the primary driver. We stopped briefly at Hoover Dam and took some pictures. Since it was early it was an easy drive through security and over the dam. We made our way to Kingman and stopped at a Safeway for gas and a bathroom break. This was my only mistake of the drive. When I’m driving, I like pit stops to take no longer than they do in NASCAR. Unfortunately, the Safeway we stopped at had the pumps out on an island and the bathrooms were in the store. So naturally the women had to take this opportunity to shop. Needless to say I was fuming by the time they returned to the car. Who the #$@#$ takes 30 minutes to shop at a Safeway in the middle of a road trip? Being the benevolent person I am, I didn’t blow up at anyone but my wife definitely knew I wasn’t happy with this pit stop.
We arrived at the Grand Canyon (south rim) shortly after noon. Here’s a free travel tip: if you’re going to a national park, have an old dude with you. Maybe find one at a roadside stand. Senior citizens get a lifetime pass to any national park for $10, so instead of costing us $25 for the carload it was $10. I guess the National Park Service figures senior citizens won’t live much longer anyway. The canyon was phenomenal, I highly recommend seeing it if you get the chance. We walked around for awhile and then headed to the general store for (you guessed it) more shopping. We also ate lunch there. If I had more time and able-bodied travelers, I would have liked to walk around more. As it was, we ate lunch, drove around a bit, and then headed back to Vegas. All told we only spent about 2 hours at the canyon. On the way back we stopped at a really dumpy gas station/gift store. I went into the bathroom and came out feeling like I needed a shot of penicillin. Kay also went in for a pit stop and I beat her out to the van. I told the wife and Bill that if she stopped to shop in this dump, I was going to leave her. Sure enough, we saw her picking out a shirt through the window. Bill went in and told her to put it down and get back into the van. Apparently she wanted a shirt to wad up and use as a pillow since she was lying down in the back seat. I was wearing a sweatshirt over a t-shirt, so I gave her that instead and probably saved us all a case of head lice.
As we neared Vegas we decided to take a trip downtown before heading back to the hotel. Since we were short on any kind of decent map, I parked in the first available garage that cost me about $5 to get out of. It was a short walk to the Fremont Street Experience, but before we could see a light show or eat we had to shop. Bill and I were tired of shopping so we told them to meet us at Fitzgeralds in the sports book as I wanted to see how the NFL games had fared. I also ran into a video poker machine with a decent pay table (not exactly full pay, but better than most I’d seen) and I promptly lost $20 in it. I think I hit a pair once before leaving that ice cold machine. We met up with the ladies (and their purchases) and played a couple machines where I made back about $5. Suddenly Kay was starving and she had to eat immediately. And it couldn’t be a buffet. We wandered into Four Queens and there was a huge line for the deli. She instantly determined that every place we would try to go to would be packed so we should go back to the hotel. A couple thoughts came to mind: What makes her think the hotel will be less busy and how could she possibly surmise that every place downtown is busy? I think I mentioned that she’s bossy, so she starts heading toward the van. I was lagging way behind because I had seen almost none of downtown and was being forced to leave already. The light show saved me as it distracted her and gave me a chance to find somewhere to eat. I noticed Jillian’s, which is across from the garage the van was parked in. I quickly scanned the menu and decided it would suit her delicate palate. We sat down and ordered drinks. And waited. And waited. Finally the non-alcoholic drinks arrive for the other three, but my beer was mysteriously missing. And I was the one that really needed a drink by this time. It finally showed up and we order our food. I got the ribs, the wife and Bill split a sandwich. It came around for Kay to order and, I swear I am not making this up, she says she’s not hungry! I almost reached across the table and punched her in the neck. Instead I glared at her while chugging my beer. In all, the food was below average, the service stunk, and I was pissed. I drove the strip back to Excalibur, dropped everyone off at the back door (which was actually closer than walking from the front door), and parked the van. I went up to the room and determined I had a couple winning parlays and cashed in up $25 on my NFL picks.

Day 4: Kay taps out

The day starts out great as we find out Kay is not feeling well so she’s not going to be getting out of bed until noon. The wife and I go to ½ price tix and check if there are any shows we want to see. We also had to go to Walgreens because Kay wanted us to get her diaretic pills. The pharmacist had to page down several times before he found her prescription (she takes a lot of medication), but he finally figured it out. It cost about $25, which is more than she expected, but they didn’t have her insurance card on file. We bought 4 tickets for the Bodies Exhibition as we assumed Kay would be ready to go sometime in the afternoon. The wife tried to talk me into seeing Phantom. I reminded her that we’ve already spent more than I’d planned on shows and I had no interest in seeing Phantom, especially not for $70. We made our way back to the hotel only to get yelled at that she only wanted two pills, not the whole prescription. A simple thank you would have sufficed, but I guess we deserved it since all we did was walk a couple miles to fill her prescription. Then we were treated to the sound of her dry heaving in the bathroom (good thing she didn’t eat the night before). At that point we high-tailed it out of there, leaving a vapor trail in our wake.
We decided on Dick’s Last Resort for lunch. Bill enjoyed it because their attitude is worse than his. Here’s a clarification on Dick’s. The service isn’t bad, it’s just rude at times. Our waitress was quick with menus and getting our orders in and there was some light-hearted banter. The food was great (I had the pulled pork sandwich), the only downfall in the service was I had to ask for the check. And there was a very attractive and well-endowed bartender showing an insane amount of cleavage. What else can a guy ask for? Even Bill made several comments about her over the remainder of the trip, he even gave her a nickname that I can’t repeat on this forum but it rhymes with pits.
After lunch we headed down the strip sans Kay. Bill and I started a contest to see who could collect the most porn slapper cards. He won. I started to get the feeling he was liking this trip more than he let on. We walked through the forum shops where the wife tried to buy everything in FAO. I wanted to see the Atlantis sinking, but after I saw it I was sorely disappointed. Really lame, and I wish I hadn’t wasted an hour in the forum shops waiting for it. I did wander around the Ferrari store and the Bill and I talked to the hot Ferrari girl who didn’t know a thing about cars. I think it’s pretty obvious why we talked to her.
The Bill and I went to the auto collection at IP and sent the wife back toward Excalibur. We needed to get done in time to meet her at the hotel and get over to the Bodies Exhibition, which we though would take a couple hours to go through. Bill and I really enjoyed the auto collection, especially since it was free with the coupon I got from their website. It’s a great collection and anyone with a passing interest in cars would find it well worth the time. We had to rush a little to get back in time, but the Bill had no problem keeping up with me even though I double-timed it all the way back to Excalibur. What can I say, he’s in phenomenal shape. Also, I’m about 9 inches taller than him so he really has to walk fast to keep up.
We got back to find the wife in bed because her feet hurt. I told her before we left that she’d want to wear something besides crocs, but she listens about as well as her mother. She had decided to get one of those obscenely large drinks (I think 32 oz) from Dick’s to ease the pain. The Bill and I helped her drink it, and all 3 of us were buzzing pretty good by the time we finished. I’m not sure being half crocked is the best way to see the Bodies Exhibit, but that’s what we did. Bill decided against going, so it was me and the wife. The exhibit was very disappointing, we went through it in 45 minutes. It’s kinda cool, but definitely not worth $20+.
We went to NYNY to find some place to eat and settled on Gonzalez y Gonzalez. We both enjoy Mexican food and this didn’t disappoint. I had something enchilada based, the wife opted for chicken. It was also nice to have dinner alone once.
We made our way back to Excalibur and met up with the Bill, who was watching Monday Night Football at the sports book. We decided to get a $9 refill of the Dick Stick and proceeded to get a little drunk again. The wife headed upstairs and I went to do some gambling (and drink some more) as it was only about 10-way to early to call it a night. I headed across to NYNY where a prostitute tried to solicit me. If I would have been on my toes I would have engaged her in conversation, but I was so used to tuning everyone out because of the time share hawkers that I completely missed my opportunity. And no, I wasn’t going to sleep with her. After all, my wife was sleeping mere feet from the room safe and I was pretty sure I didn’t have enough cash on me to satisfy the prostitute. That, and I’m fairly certain I’d be missing a significant portion of my anatomy if I cheated on my wife.

Day 5: Kay makes a recovery and Spamalot

Our last full day and the wife and Kay decide (surprise!) that they want to go shopping. Apparently we don’t have good enough outlet malls here to satisfy them. I dropped them off at the Las Vegas Outlet after having breakfast at IHOP (again). I have no idea why we had to eat there twice since there is an IHOP less than 5 miles from our house. I dropped them off for 2 hours, in between I won a little at video roulette and lost a little at video poker. We split up for lunch as not everyone was hungry. Kay and Bill went to MGM to gamble (meaning Kay gambled while Bill kept cashing her out) and I headed to the poker room. I was a bit intimidated because I mainly play online and I haven’t played much in the past 6 months. I soon found out there was no reason to feel intimidated because there was not a wealth of great poker player at Excalibur that day. I played for about an hour and left up only about $15. I got tremendously bad cards, I only played 2 hands and won them both. I was playing a low limit table, which makes it difficult to bluff anyone out of the pot.
The wife, Kay, and I headed down the Wynn early so we could eat, get our players cards, and gamble our free $25 before Spamalot. We decided to eat at California Pizza Kitchen at Fashion Show Mall. I was kicking myself as soon as I suggested as it only meant we would do more shopping. CPK was great, I had eaten there once before but it was Kay’s first trip. We split 2 pizzas, one was Hawaiian and the other kind of chicken alfredo based. We left there and walked down the mall, stopping at virtually every store and kiosk on the way. Then we got into the Wynn and stopped at a couple more stores. We finally got to the ticket counter to pick up the tickets (I had bought them at half price through an offer from travelzoo) and then we signed up for the red card. We didn’t have time to gamble before the show, so we proceeded to the show.
Spamalot was great. I’ve seen some Monty Python, but never more than a few minutes here and there. I had no problem catching the jokes and all three of us thoroughly enjoyed the show. We went to the casino afterwards to blow our free $25 in slot play. The wife and I played Megabucks, hoping to leave Vegas $13.8 million richer. We didn’t, I cashed out $5 ahead and the wife lost the entire $25. Kay played Wild Cherries and cashed out $40 ahead.
We’d had enough of the Wynn and headed back to the van as I had left it in the mall parking lot. My plan was to go to Bellagio and see the fountains, however I couldn’t locate a back entrance. Maybe there isn’t one? It was getting late anyway and the ladies just wanted to get back to Excalibur, so I ditched the fountain show and headed back to the hotel.

Day 6: Heading home and random thoughts

The ladies had purchased an additional duffle bag to haul all their purchases home, so we had even more crap to take to the airport. We ate at the buffet at Excalibur that morning. It was average, probably not worth what we spent. The service was the highlight, the wait staff was very helpful and quick to clear plates away. We headed to the airport to drop off the rental. The new rental facility is very nice, easy to navigate and in no time the shuttle had us to the airport.
We had a small issue at the ticket counter. Not only did we have an extra bag, but our primary suitcase was overweight. The wife blamed it on the scale (no, I’m not making that up). So I shuffled around some luggage (luckily there wasn’t a line behind me) and got us back underweight. We got through security in record time and Gimpy had time to play more slots, winning about $40.
We were greeted at home with the first snow of the year. I wanted to turn around and go back, without the in-laws.
Random thoughts and things I missed earlier:
-I prepaid the gas in the rental, which was probably a mistake. I paid for the full tank and I was instructed to bring it back empty. The problem is, how empty are you going to allow it to get? I’m not going to miss a flight for the sake of running the tank low. I should have stuck with the old standby and filled up just before returning the vehicle.
-Excalibur gets a lot of bad reviews because there are too many kids there. When I go to Vegas I spend most of my time in the casino, so I never really see many kids. Even while eating at McDonalds or the buffet, I didn’t see many kids. And they were all little kids, not teenage hoodlums as I’ve heard others describe. Overall, the Excalibur is fine. The renovated rooms are nice except for the excessively firm beds. There is a lot of work going on, but unless you want to sleep during the day it shouldn’t bother anyone. Also, the sports book is one of the best around. I’d rank it above MGM and Luxor, about on par with Mandalay Bay.
-Traveling with the in-laws wasn’t that bad, but I don’t look forward to doing it again in the near future. I get along great with the old guy and we share a lot of interests (sports, scantily clad women). As far as the mother-in-law, sometimes I just have to grit my teeth and keep my mouth shut. page
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Amateur roofer for hire

I spent yesterday roofing. In the words of my father, it's a job for a strong back and a weak mind. I don't know about the weak mind, but I agree it calls for a strong back. I slave away for sometimes close to 40 hours a week sitting behind a desk, so it was a somewhat welcome change of pace to spend a day doing manual labor. I grew up on a farm so I'm not a stranger to hard work, even though we haven't been acquainted in quite some time. The crew was made up of my spry 70+ year old father-in-law, his equally aged brother, and my uncle on my wife's side who is pushing 60. .
The one part about manual labor that I have always enjoyed is the sense of accomplishment. You can look at your work in full view of the world and say "I did that." I create financial statements all day so I do accomplish something, however most people have no idea what it is. And no one considers it hard work as there is no sweating or grunting involved.
We worked on the roof for a solid 8 hours and I'm happy to report it's complete with no loss of limbs. My muscles are a bit sore today and I've got a nice blister to prove I'm a soft office worker. The moment of irony that will stick with me was when we were cutting the steel. If you've never heard it before, it's quite a treat. It's the loudest, highest pitched noise you can imagine. I was recruited to hold the steel as it was being cut while my uncle ran the saw. He was wearing ear protection, as was my father-in-law and his brother covered his ears. I couldn't, obviously, because I was holding the steel. The ironic part is all three of them have significant hearing loss while I can hear fine. Or at least I could before yesterday. Read more on this article...

Summer Vacation-Trip to Chicago

This vacation had all the ingredients of a bad trip. It had a dash of mass transit, a heavy dose of children, and a sprinkle of surprise weather. But did I see it coming? Absolutely not. We have good children, and just the glee on their faces will make it all seem worthwhile, I reasoned. I had done my homework, so there shouldn’t be any unwelcome surprises. So how did this all go so wrong? Well, let’s start at the beginning.

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We departed for Chicago (approximately a four hour car ride) on a sunny Thursday evening. Unfortunately the disposition of the youngest of our three children wasn’t so sunny. Zach is 15 months old and seemingly the happiest baby on earth. Until he gets into a car. For the majority of the trip, we heard “EH, EH, EEEHHHH!!!!” explode from our darling baby’s mouth. He did this 2,638 times in four hours. I kept track because I’m fairly certain it’s a record. The Guiness people (records, not beer) are supposed to get back to me soon. I wrongly assumed things would get better from there.

We arrived in Chicago after 10:00 PM because apparently Thursday (and every other night) produces a huge traffic snarl near O’Hare Airport. Arriving late at the Springhill Suites meant my particular room wasn’t available, but I did get “upgraded” for free. For this hotel, “upgrade” doesn’t mean a larger room or a Jacuzzi tub, it means you’re on the 10^th floor. What’s so special about the 10^th floor? Well, you get to take not one, but two elevators to get there. You see, the main elevators only go to the 9^th floor. So at the 9^th floor you walk across the hall and get into the elevator that takes you to the 10^th floor. But that’s not all, you also have 14 foot ceilings. Maybe I would have been more excited if I was 12 feet tall.

Breakfast was fantastic the next morning except for the lack of a high chair. We made due and headed to the park & ride to catch a train downtown. The only hiccup was getting tickets, luckily there was a very nice CTA employee to help me operate the ticket vending machine. I always laugh at people that can’t operate something as simple as a vending machine. You know, the people that stare at it like it’s Einstein’s Theory of Relativity. Anyway, he helped me figure it out and he didn’t even call me an idiot to my face. The five of us hopped the next train and were downtown in a mere 45 minutes. For those of you unfamiliar with traffic and parking in downtown Chicago, you may think I’m a tremendous cheapskate for making my family ride mass transit. The thing is, parking is really expensive. There are loan officers offering 2^nd mortgages to people who want to park. Often customers will abandon their car because they can buy a new car for less than the cost of getting out of the parking ramp.

When we arrived downtown, we were underground. I don’t bother looking at the signs as to which street we’re under or near, I just get to daylight and figure it out as I go. I probably took the wrong path or just plain missed the elevator sign, so I got to lug my huge kid and his stroller up 3 flights of stairs. Our first stop was the Sears Tower, and I found it easy enough because I had been in downtown Chicago several times on business. That, and it’s the fricking Sears Tower. If you can’t find it, go to an optometrist. We arrived there and get our first serious disappointment of the day. The observation deck of the Sears Tower is closed due to high wind. I love irony as much as the next guy, but this was too much. The last time I checked, Chicago was called “The Windy City.” If the Sears Tower can’t handle high wind, why in the hell is it built in “The Windy City?” And what was going to happen to us? The observation deck is completely enclosed, so there is no chance of us falling. Are they afraid the Sears Tower will fall over? At this point my wife said in a not-so-nice voice, “Now what are we supposed to do? We can’t walk all the way to the aquarium. How are we going to get there?”

After I explained my shortcoming of not knowing the entire Chicago Transit Authority bus schedule, we set off for Shedd’s Aquarium. Sarah also suggested hailing a cab because apparently she is completely unaware of what a cab is. I explained to her that cab drivers don’t obey speed limits or any other basic traffic laws. Also, there is very little chance of one having a car seat. I’ll admit it’s a bit of a haul, but I was pushing the stroller so no one else should be complaining. If was a nice day and, of course, breezy. We reached Michigan Ave and headed south while scouting out a place to eat. I knew I was going to have to sell a kidney to get into the aquarium, so I didn’t see any reason to fork over my pancreas for overpriced food. We ate at a nice little restaurant attached to a hotel and in passing noticed it was getting cloudy. Good, I thought, as we were getting hot and had just applied sunscreen to keep from getting scorched.

Lunch was good but unspectacular. The waitress was very nice, maybe in an effort to keep us from throwing a fit when we see that 18% gratuity is automatically added to the bill. After the stress and disappointment of the morning, I did get one bit of humor from lunch. Zach is a notorious backwasher and was drinking out of straw. There was as much food going in as milk coming out of the glass. Abby (our six year-old) reached over and took a big swig of Zach’s milk and if it was crunchy, she did an amazing job of acting like it wasn’t. I didn’t know whether to throw up or laugh. We went across the street to Grant Park and climbed a small hill to a statue. There were steps, so I took Zach and the stroller up the flat incline at the edge of the step. Child welfare agents probably would have shuddered, but we made it safely. The girls played around, I took some pictures, and our spirits were raised.

We felt a light sprinkle as we descended from the statue, which quickly turned into a steady rain. And we were no where near shelter. We ducked under some trees and in about 15 minutes it let up. The next jump was to a tunnel, when it started raining again. The rain never let up much, so eventually we braved in to get to the aquarium. Admission was a mere $85, and our youngest was free. I probably could have picked up a hooker for less. We were in there for maybe 3 hours, and it was largely forgettable. A hooker wouldn’t have been forgettable.

The kids were pretty much wiped out by this time, so we asked the customer service desk which bus would take us near the blue line train station. Her first option was to take a bus, switch to another to arrive at the orange line train station, then switch trains to get to the blue line. Door number 2 was one bus to take us to the blue line. I have no idea why option #1 was offered, maybe she gets paid by the word.

The train almost made it to our stop. Unfortunately, almost doesn’t count in mass transit. About 2 stops from ours the train stopped. Over the loudspeaker we hear the monotone recording about something being wrong and the operator has left the train. That wasn’t very comforting. We sat on the tracks for what seemed like 2 hours, but it was probably 10-15 minutes. No explanation was given, and I didn’t care. We had made it back to our train stop, but we did run into one more mechanical failure before getting to the hotel. The elevator wasn’t working at the train station, so I put stroller on the escalator. Another no-no, but at this point I was only looking out for my mental stability.

We settled on a traditional deep-dish pizza joint for dinner. I give my wife a lot of crap, but she can pick a restaurant. The pizza was great, so naturally our middle child hated it. The highlight of dinner was Sarah dumping a full glass of water all over the table. Mady (our oldest) reminded Mommy that she needs to pay attention to what she’s doing. It was only funny because Mady is the clumsiest kid around and is in no position to give that kind of advice.

Back at the hotel we made our way to the pool. I’m not a big pool guy, but I was looking forward to it because the hotel description online referred to it as “Olympic style.” This would be accurate if Olympics were held for people who can’t swim. The pool was 5 foot at it’s deepest and no more than 20 feet long and 10 feet wide. Zach wasn’t interested, because even at 15 months he knows when he’s been lied to. That was fine with me, I took him back to the room and tucked him in.

The next morning we woke up late and barely made it to the lobby for breakfast. The place was absolutely packed, we only managed to secure a small table with one chair and one high chair. As people left, we flung ourselves on the extra chairs. It was cramped, but what do you expect from a free breakfast? Given the situation, one would think people would be cognizant of eating and moving out of the way for the flood of people that haven’t eaten. Most of the crowd was courteous, however someone always has to be a jackass. In this case, there were 6 jackasses. This particular group was sitting at a table that seated 8 and sipping coffee. They were done eating, but instead of letting someone else sit they camped in the prime seating. We were right next to them, a family of five with 3 chairs, a high chair, and a table the size of a Frisbee. If looks could kill, I would have 6 murders on my conscious.

We left the hotel and headed to Woodfield Mall to grab lunch before heading home. We went to Rainforest Café and for once, there wasn’t a line. Karma was looking kindly upon us as we secured prime seating next to a huge aquarium. It almost made up for breakfast. The food was great, the kids enjoyed themselves, and for a moment the trip didn’t seem so bad.

There was one more minor meltdown before leaving Chicago. The womenfolk stopped at Club Libby Lou. If you’re not familiar with it, the basic premise is to put makeup on your pre-adolescent until she looks like a stripper. The treatment comes complete with a restraining order and a home pregnancy kit. Anyway, Mady got relatively pissed that she couldn’t look like a prostitute because the wait was too long and we had to get on the road. My wife agreed to take her to Club Libby Lou some other time. I can hardly wait.

The trek home was uneventful, Zach slept most of the way. He was probably still tired from screaming all the way there. After we got home, I found out a tornado tore up a Chicago suburb shortly after we were there. It’s too bad, really. That would have made the trip memorable.

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