Thanks for dying for our sins, we're going to Vegas

I recently booked a trip to Vegas. A couple friends of ours said they wanted to go and that's all the reason we need to take a long weekend in Sin City. We batted dates back and forth, hoping to go in May but my schedule got in the way. We settled on a weekend in April that worked for the four of us and I booked the flight.

I woke at up 5:00 the morning after booking the flight. I don't normally wake up that early, but I started doing the math and realized we had booked our Vegas trip for Easter. My wife's family doesn't really celebrate Easter, but my somewhat devout Catholic family does. So now everyone has one more reason to believe I'm going to hell.
I was more concerned about our friends. I had told them the date and they had agreed, but what if they were pissed? After all, they hadn't reimbursed me yet and I didn't like the idea of eating their airfare. They were fine with it, so the only fallout is I feel like an idiot for not being a little more careful when selecting dates. That's ok, I'm fairly used to it.
The good news is all 4 people that follow my blog will be treated to another Vegas trip report. To be perfectly honest, I have no idea how this trip will turn out. We haven't traveled with this couple before. We know they drink a lot more than we do. He doesn't particularly care to gamble, while that's my sole purpose for going. Neither are very interested in shows (although he wants to see a topless review), while my wife will try to cram 8 shows into 3 days.
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You're out of what?!

I went to the local mall last weekend to do some shopping. I went to the food court first to get some dinner. I went to Arby's the get a roast beef sandwich and fries. I ordered and the clerk responded, and I quote, "We ran out of roast beef. It'll be 20 minutes before we have any more." Now I can see running out right before close. I don't think it's acceptable, but I can see how it might happen on a rare occasion. However, I ordered at 6:45 PM. Also, it's roast beef. It's what Arby's is known for. For my money, it's the only thing worth ordering.

This got me thinking about other things we will never run out of (but maybe we should).
Arby's running out of roast beef is like...
Congress running out of incompetence..
Christian Bale running out of unwarranted anger..
Bono running out of self-righteousness..
Tom Cruise running out of crazy..
Pepsi running out of new versions of Mountain Dew..
Las Vegas running out of prostitutes..
AIG running out of ways to flush taxpayer money down the toilet..
and finally...
Iowa State University running out of sheep to dress up as women and molest..

Ok, so maybe that last one went to far...but probably not.
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Softball Preview

With spring rapidly approaching, our attention is turning toward outdoor activities. We recently signed up the girls to play softball this summer. Mady, who's almost 9, is playing in her second season. Last year she started out fast by getting hits in her first 4 or 5 at-bats, then went into a slump, and finished strong. She's excited to play again, which is to be expected since she's always excited to play sports. Then there's Abby.

We were set to have Abby play basketball this winter. Then I tried to pass her the ball in the living room and it became very obvious that she wasn't ready. Instead of catching it, she bats it away. I decided to give it another year and maybe she'll be ready next winter. Either that, or she needs to play volleyball where slapping the ball away is perfectly acceptable.
Softball for Abby could be brutal. Most 7-year-olds aren't good at it, but I got a sneak peek of what it'll be like last night. She was sitting at the table while I got her a plastic cup. I told her I was going to throw it, because a)she needs to work on catching and b)it weighs 2 oz. so it can't possibly hurt her. I lofted it to her and it hit her square in the forehead. Her hands never made a move to catch it, and she didn't duck out of the way. She started crying and I consoled her. And that's what softball will be like this summer.
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In-Digest-ion

You can stop wondering why it's been so long since I posted. I've spent the last 10 days thinking up a great title for a post about Reader's Digest. And yes, I am disappointed in myself. I should have been able to do better.
Reader's Digest has one of the highest circulations of any magazine. We have a subscription, although I have no idea why. I think we got it free with the purchase of a tube of toothpaste.

My problems with Reader's Digest are multiple and far-reaching. For starters, the name is generic. It should be called Obvious Advice for the Functionally Retarded. An article in the current issue tells you "Thirteen Things Your Grocer Won't Tell You." I think the reason your grocer won't tell you these things is because they are all common sense. Seriously, who doesn't know that the grocery store is less crowded at dinnertime? Or that if you want to avoid shopping cart dents you should park far away? Not to mention their invaluable advice about produce. Apparently the familiar produce turns over more often than exotic produce. I can't believe I survived this long without this earth-shattering advice.
You don't have to read the Digest very long to determine they really like advertisements. I counted the pages of advertisements in the most recent issue and there were a whopping 63 pages of advertisements. The Digest utilizes midget-sized pages so the magazine is 196 pages long. Nonetheless, almost a third of the magazine is advertising. The bulk of the advertising is geared toward pharmaceuticals as the average age of a Digest readers is 92.
Reader's Digest makes an occasional attempt at being funny. Not that I'm the foremost expert on humor, but I can identify when something is not funny. Here's an example of being not funny. There is a cartoon of a chicken panhandling holding a sign that reads "All my eggs were in one basket." Can you imagine anyone finding that funny?
Maybe I just don't get Reader's Digest. Maybe it's all sarcasm and the joke is on all the geriatrics that laugh their asses off at chicken cartoons. Maybe I shouldn't rip them, and instead encourage everyone to buy toothpaste for the free subscription.
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Bad Basketball Saturday

I had the pleasure of witnessing a double-header of unwatchable basketball last Saturday. I started the day off with a girls basketball game between 3rd and 4th grade girls. I'm the assistant coach for my daughter's team, so I'm partially to blame for the entertainment value of the team. The saving grace of the team is a pair of identical twins that can absolutely dominate off the dribble.

My daughter tries really hard, but sometimes even good effort can be difficult to watch. For about four straight possessions, I watched her overplay the passing lane and give up the easiest back door baskets you'll ever see. I've got a pretty good idea what we're going to be practicing next week.
The second half of the double-header was the Iowa-Northwestern game. This one was even harder to watch since the first, as Iowa-Northwestern is annually some of the most putrid basketball on the planet. Several minutes of research has led me to the conclusion that the highest rate of suicides in the U.S. are during Iowa-Northwestern basketball games. Iowa managed to play the entire first half without making a 2-point basket. They made 7 3-pointers and a few free throws, while turning the ball over roughly 84 times. Luckily, Northwestern was offensively impotent. They have some dude that weighs 480 pounds and misses shots from 6 inches when he's not busy trying to foul out so he can eat a doughnut. And he was their best post presence until he got sent to the pine for a dozen Krispy Kremes.
The second half was equally gut wrenching. Iowa's shooting cooled down, but they turned the ball over less. Northwestern warmed up a bit, but the Hawks held on to win the game that neither team seemed to want to win. I had several drinks afterward in the hopes of forgetting the horrors I had seen that day.
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Tupperware sucks

At the risk of alienating the 4 people that occasionally follow this blog, I'm going to take some away from poop jokes and talk about Tupperware. When I was growing up, Tupperware was all the rage. It had a funny design on the lid and when you pushed on the center it sealed with a satisfying burp. It cost a little more, but it had a lifetime warranty and that's all it takes to sell my mother.

Recently, my wife determined we needed some Tupperware. She was looking for some huge storage bowls, something in the range of 85 quarts. She had no problem finding something to meet her needs as Tupperware specializes in over-sized storage containers. When she bought the 562 piece set she's always been looking for, the Tupperware lady told her she may need to heat the lids to get them to fit the first time. Personally, this would have been a red flag. The effing lids should fit right out of the box. It wasn't a red flag for her, she happily forked over close to $15,000 (but they're guaranteed for LIFE!!) and eagerly awaited their arrival.
The bowls arrived and my wife immediately put a bowl the size of a garbage can to work. We have something green and leafy (I think it's called salad?) at almost every meal. She decided we could use the huge bowl to hold a couple bags of salad and it would keep fresh for several days. And sure enough, the first time the lid didn't fit. I ran it under hot water for a couple minutes and managed to force it on. The next time I went to put away the salad, the lid didn't fit. Or the next time. Or the next time. I've now used several thousand gallons of hot water and multiple obscenities to temporarily stretch this damn lid. But at least I'm not letting it get to me.
I'll try to get back to my normal inane babble soon. That is, assuming I can get the salad put away.
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Video games and socialism

Maybe it's a bit childish, but I still enjoy playing video games. We've owned a Nintendo Wii for a year and it's by far the best video game system I've ever played. One of my favorite games to play on the Wii is MarioKart. It suits my short attention span and it doesn't take long to figure out. You just drive faster than everyone else. Each race only last about 3 minutes, which is perfect for me because that's exactly how long my kids can go without misbehaving.

The problem I have with MarioKart is it's blatant socialist agenda. Ok, so maybe it's not obvious to everyone so I'll explain. While playing the game you run into floating boxes that give you some type of power. Some make you invincible for 10-15 seconds, some give you a speed burst, some give you banana peels to throw at other drivers and makes them spin out. I wouldn't have a problem with the game if the powers were completely random. You see, the farther behind you are the better power you get. Likewise, if you're way ahead you don't get crap for special powers. When you're stinking it up, you often get a power that turns you into a bullet. For 15 seconds you go 3 times faster than anyone and you don't even have to steer. The socialist developers of MarioKart want to insure that no matter how bad you are at the game, you always have a chance to win. Whatever happened to sucking at a game and getting beaten like a rented mule every time you play? Sure, it's not as fun to always lose, but we're a competitive, capitalist society and that's how we roll.
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