Zach vs. Mitch King

My 20-month old son Zach received Mitch King jersey for Christmas. Those of you who aren't familiar with Mitch King should be ashamed of yourself. He just finished up a stellar career with the Iowa Hawkeyes after anchoring the defensive line for 4 years. He was 1st team All Big Ten, and was named Defensive Lineman of the Year in the Big Ten. Seeing Zach run around wreaking havoc in his Mitch King jersey got me thinking about how he'd stack up against the 270 pound lineman.

Mitch King: The most disruptive force in the Big Ten.
Zach: The most disruptive force at daycare
Advantage: Zach. I'd rather spend a day getting kicked around by football players than battling toddlers.

Mitch King: Causes opposing quarterbacks to crap their pants.
Zach: Craps his own pants.
Advantage: Mitch King. Even though Zach's craps can be tremendous, they can't stack up to causing a grown man to poop himself.

Zach: Weighed 10lb 12oz at birth.
Mitch King: Birth weight unknown.
Advantage: Zach. I don't know how big Mitch King was, but I bet it wasn't nearly 11 pounds. If he was that big at birth, the announcers would have told us about it every game just like they informed us Shonn Greene moved furniture last year. Also, Zach was 3 weeks early.

Mitch King: Cut his hair before the biggest game of the year and still dominated.
Zach: Dunked his head in the toilet and thought it was hilarious.
Advantage: Mitch King. Zach is a frigging idiot.

Mitch King: Speaks in tongues before games to fire up the troops.
Zach: Speaks in tongues all the time due to limited vocabulary.
Advantage: Mitch King. Again, Zach is a frigging idiot.

Zach: Head butts anything that gets in his way.
Mitch King: Butts heads with o-lineman that get in his way.
Advantage: Zach. He doesn't wear a helmet.

Zach: Smiles too much.
Mitch King: Never smiles. Was ready to tear someone apart at the pep rally before the Outback Bowl, probably for smiling at him.
Advantage: Mitch King. Smiling all the time makes Zach look like a slow kid.

Even with an obvious bias toward the fruit of my loins, Mitch King still wins a close match up. It might be a different story in 20 years.