Worst Commercials Ever

Remember when commercials were wholesome, like when Mr. Whipple snuck squeezes of Charmin like a common pervert? When product attributes were clearly stated and no one felt deceived? Ivory soap admitted to only being 99.32% pure, leaving us to wonder exactly what made up the other .68%. Remember how we used to have to watch commercials because we were too lazy to change the station by hand and there was no TiVo? I get the feeling the advertising agencies realize no one watches commercials (except the Girls Gone Wild commercials, those are awesome) so they’ve given up. .
Brian Alvarez stars in one of my favorite crappy commercials. Brian proudly states he uses a Bowflex for 20 minutes, 3 times a week. He’s now tan, has a hot wife, perfect abs, and never has to wear a shirt. He’s also a giant douchebag and a tremendous liar. Face it, there is no way anyone gets that fit by exercising for one hour per week. It’s physiologically impossible. My favorite line of the commercial is when Brian tells us he “gave all of his fat cloths to his fat friends.” Let’s dissect this a little, shall we? First, if he calls his friends fat, they’re not his friends. They are a bunch of slightly overweight guys that barely know him but are going to kick his ass. Second, guys don’t give other guys their hand-me-downs. I would never walk up to a friend with a pair of pants and say “You’re fatter than me now since I have a Bowflex, how about you squeeze your huge ass into these.” To recap, Brian is a liar, a douchebag, has no friends, and creeps everyone out by trying to give them pants.
With a name like Blue Hippo, you expect this company to sell huge pants to Brian’s “friends.” But no, they sell computers. The schtick seems normal enough. They help people with ridiculously bad credit own computers, probably by charging them an outrageous interest rate. Things get interesting when they tell you that your credit problems are not your fault. Excuse me, but whose bleeping fault are they? Did that douchebag Brian Alvarez buy too many bowflexes on your credit? No Blue Hippo, people have bad credit because of their own doing. Don’t make stupid excuses for them. And quit calling yourself Blue Hippo, it sounds asinine.
The last commercial on my favorite commercial list needs to be handled gently, much like the male member it’s rubbed on. The commercial never comes (hee hee) out and says it, but it’s fairly obvious that Maxoderm is over-priced Jergens lotion. I get a kick out of the sophisticated older gentleman, probably in his 50s, giving the look to the 30-something hottie (presumably his wife?) and the two of them heading out to make it. Does this old dude really stand a chance with the hot blonde if he has problems getting the soldier to salute? And their tag line is classic. “Prescriptions are one thing, Maxoderm is totally different.” Of course it’s totally different, no one needs a prescription for hand lotion.
So what have we learned today from my favorite commercials? If you dial within the next 10 minutes, you can become a ripped douchebag like Brian, own your own computer, and make it with the hot blonde because of your magic hand lotion. Or if one of your friends dial, you might get some free fat pants.

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