Day 5: Cozumel

We got off to a bad start. Our plan was to get off the boat as soon as it docked and catch a cab to the park where we had reservations for the girls to swim with dolphins. We couldn’t get off the boat when we wanted because another boat was docking. When we finally got off, Abby got wrangled by some guy dressed in aboriginal garb for a picture. A real man would have grabbed his fake spear and beat him with it. Being a lesser man, I just complain about it in a blog. We found the taxi stand and had to take 2 cabs to the park as there wasn’t a van available for the 6 of us. When we got to the park, the cabby “conveniently” didn’t have change. I made him wait for our other cab and got exact change, as opposed to way over-tipping. We got into the park and made our way to the dolphin experience, where we discovered our reservation was for 2 days later. We momentarily panicked, but the customer service person let us change the reservation to that day at 1pm. We had a couple hours to kill, so we hung out in the pool. Cozumel turned out to be the best part of the vacation by far. Zach really enjoyed the pool as it wasn’t crowded like the ship’s pool. The girls loved the dolphin experience and I took some crappy amateur video of it. They charged me $5 to be on the pier near the dolphins, which was cheap compared to the $75 it would have cost for their video. We wandered around the park for awhile and checked out the scuba area and the beach. We didn’t spend much time there as the boat leaves the dock at 5pm and we needed to do some shopping. I take that back, there was nothing we needed. Just a lot of stuff we wanted. Shopping at Cozumel was more pleasant than Progreso because the harassment was more low-key. However, the prices were a lot higher. I’m not exactly sure what we left Cozumel with, I think the girls got sun dresses and Zach was the big winner with a green turkey made out of a gourd (I’m not making that up). We got back to the boat in plenty of time, unlike some of our fellow passengers that had to get called a few times. Read more on this article...

Day 4: Progreso (not the spaghetti sauce)

By the time we got to Progreso, we were more than ready to get off the boat. The pier is 5 miles long for absolutely no reason at all, so you have to ride a bus to get to the city. I had done some research on Progreso so I had some idea what it would be like. I told the kids to stay close and ignore the harassing vendors. I was surprised and more than a bit annoyed by the vendors. Our goal was to go to the beach, and on the way we were constantly getting stopped. We stepped into a restaurant for a drink and vendors came to our table and tried to sell us crap. The restaurant owner/manager told us not to give the vendors any money, but never kicked them out of his restaurant. To cap it off, he tried to charge me for a drink we ordered but never received.

After our brief stop at the restaurant, we continued to the beach. It was, by far, the dirtiest beach I have ever seen. It’s a good thing you can buy penicillin over the counter in Mexico, because after being on the beach for awhile I felt an infection coming on. We walked down the beach for awhile and a guy that works for a restaurant on the beach offered us a table for $10. He said he’d bring some chips and salsa and we could get some drinks. It seemed acceptable, we were going to need a place to put our stuff and it provided some shade. Of course, we never saw the guy again. I don’t know if the tables actually belonged to the restaurant or if he really worked there. If that had happened to me in the states, I probably would have done something about it. Instead, I just chalked it up as a learning experience. And naturally, we still got harassed by vendors.
The same guy that tried to sell us balloon animals in the restaurant tried his luck with us again. People were selling t-shirts, bootleg DVD’s, kites, cloths, cigars, small children, hypodermic needles, herpes and massages. And yes, the herpes and massages go hand in hand. We hung out at the beach for a couple hours before heading back to the market to catch the smelly bus back to the boat.
On the way back, we stopped at some guys tent (I’m not making that up, it was a tent) who was selling jewelry. He first had to prove it was real shells and not cheap plastic jewelry by trying to light it on fire (Again, this really happened.) He wanted $25, here’s the conversation the followed:
Pyromaniac vendor: $25 for the necklace
Abby: I’ll give you $10
Pyro: $20. It’s real shells, didn’t you notice it didn’t start on fire?
Abby: $10
Pyro: $15
Abby: $10
Pyro: $13
Abby: Deal.
Pyro: How about $20 for two non-flammable necklaces?

Abby looks to her sister to see if she wants a necklace for $10, she says no so Abby buys one for $13. I don’t think I’ve ever been prouder of her. She stood her ground in the face of a flamethrower and when he tried to sweeten the deal by adding the 2nd necklace, she refused. She only wanted one necklace, and that’s what she got. I could give a short dissertation on opportunity cost now, but I don’t want to lose my 11-member audience. I’m pretty sure her and I are the only members of the family that would have done that. Gimpy would have walked away from the tent with 40 necklaces.
We wandered around the market and bought a couple more cheap souviniers. Zach got a t-shirt and we bought some flammable necklaces at the bargain basement price of 6 for $5.
We caught the stinky bus back to the boat and had a great sit-down meal that night. Our waitress was awesome, probably the best service we encountered the entire trip.
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Day 3:A Day at Sea

I started the day by browsing through the cruise guide in our room. That was when I realized every member of our party would be assessed a gratuity fee of $10/day. Being the cheapskate I am, I was a little pissed. I'm pretty sure my 3-year-old isn't going to require enough assistance from the staff to cost them $10/day.
What I remember specifically about our first full day at sea was the wife and our middle child feeling the ill-effects of motion sickness. They both took some medication and did a fair amount of sleeping that day. I wandered around the boat a lot and started feeling a little claustrophobic. The ship seems huge from the outside, but if you walk around for an hour you can see everything with a half hour to spare. The kids and I played mini-golf, which is a bit frustrating on a boat. The mini-golf course is on the top level with nothing blocking the gale force winds coming off the gulf. It's literally windy enough to blow the ball around the course.

The dining room was formal attire that night, so we opted for the buffet again. I couldn't believe how many people dressed up to eat. My vacation attire is strictly shorts and t-shirts, not suit and tie. And, of course, the staff took plenty of pictures of people in their formal attire to sell them at ridiculous profits.
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Day 2: Arrival

Staying in Tupelo left us with about a 4.5 hour drive to Mobile. We got up, had breakfast, had a slight miscommunication with Gimpy about when we’d depart, then we got on the road. We arrived in Mobile with time to spare, which was good because Mobile doesn’t believe in signage. We had directions, but once you can see the boat you’d expect to be able to drive right to it. Not the case. At all. We missed the turn the first time, looped back around, went under the bay twice, made a U-turn, visited Cuba, before finally finding the parking ramp.

There was a huge line to get into the ramp as every car is stopped and sniffed by the police dog. Good thing they weren’t looking for prescriptions or Gimpy would still be getting searched. We dropped off our bags and got yelled at because we hadn’t attached our tags yet. These were the paper tags so they know where to send your bags on the boat. If I were in the mood for an argument, I would have asked why we would attach said tags before we got there. We travelled 900 miles and spent the night on the way. If we had attached paper tags before we left, they would have definitely been torn off by the time we arrived. And then we almost left our passports in the suitcases. That would have made clearing customs excessively difficult.
Getting on a cruise ship requires waiting in endless lines. There were only 2000 passengers on the ship, yet there were at least 8000 people in line. However, we were fortunate that my wife likes spending my money. She paid extra to be on the top level, so we got VIP treatment. We went through a short security line while 8000 people shot us angry looks. Gimpy set off the metal detectors with her knees, but they took it easy on her despite me telling them she was carrying. We also had to go through a health screening, which is a colossal waste of time. You fill out a form saying if you’re sick, and if you are they make you go to the medical station on the ship. So everyone claims to be healthy and tries to hide their smallpox. We got our badges/room keys/charge cards (DON’T LOSE THESE OR WE THROW YOU OVERBOARD!!!) and headed on board. But not before they had to take our picture. Then we went up the ramps and got on board, where each person gets their picture taken individually. This is a recurring theme (in case you hadn’t noticed) that Carnival really likes taking your picture. Then they try to sell you your picture at a ridiculous profit.
We went to find something to eat (it was about 2pm and we hadn’t eaten lunch) and settled for the outdoor deli near the pool. We did the throw-a-bunch-of-crap-in-a-bowl stir fry (similar to Hu Hot or Genghis Grill) with below average results, but we were starving so it didn’t really matter. We hung out on the deck for awhile before I went to find a TV to watch the Hawks (SPOILER ALERT: they lost in gut-wrenching fashion again). The first place I went agreed to change one of the 3 TVs to the Iowa game (all 3 were on the LSU game) and they gave me the one where it appeared there was an earthquake in Iowa City. He also informed me there was a lounge a level below. I took the hint and went downstairs, there another aloof bartender changed one 4 inch TV to the Iowa game while the 2 96 inch TVs were still on, you guessed it, the LSU game. She also sold me a $6 glass of beer (17% gratuity included). Then they turned it off after 15 minutes because everyone had to go listen to the safety briefing. Lots of irate LSU fans after that.
I know the cool kids skip the safety briefing, but apparently kids need to attend to get wristbands directing them where to go if the ship sinks. Once again, DON’T LOSE THESE OR WE THROW YOU OVERBOARD!!! After the safety briefing, I wasn’t interested in going back to the bar so I went to our room and watched the rest of the game there. We hit the buffet for dinner, then wandered around for awhile before calling it a night. Zach went to the kids club and seemed to like it (he wasn’t one of the kids bawling uncontrollably when I picked him up) while the girls met a girl named Jamie to hang out with for the rest of the trip. And Jamie, if you're reading this, the girls lost your home address so don't expect any correspondence from them. Also, if you're reading this, it's an amazing coincidence and you probably need a better hobby than wandering through the blogosphere.
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Day 1: Getting there is not half the fun

Wow, 2 months since my last post. I guess I could think up an excuse, like I've been in a coma or I have amnesia. I can't even say I've been terribly busy. Maybe the problem is I used to be in class and could write instead of paying attention. Now I'm at home every night and have three "distractions."
We set out on a Friday morning with a facing a 10-hour drive and dreaming of sun and sand on a 5-day cruise. The roll call for this trip was the wife and I, our 3 kids and Gimpy (my mother-in-law). Despite getting both knees replaced in the last couple years, she’ll always be Gimpy to me. At least when I’m writing about her and am trying to preserve her anonymity. We didn’t get off to a great start as getting 6 people plus luggage in a minivan can be a tight squeeze. Plus, my wife and her mother insist on traveling with their own pillows. Must be something genetic. Anyway, after wrestling Gimpy into her support hose and cramming everyone in, we set sail.

I have to say, we made good time. With 3 kids and a grandmother on board, I was expecting a lot of stops. We drove 2.5 hrs and stopped for lunch in Hannibal, MO (Long John Silvers, which is quite possibly the greatest seafood on earth) and stopped in Sikeston, MO for gas. It was one of the filthiest gas stations I’ve been to. The bathroom had a half dozen flies buzzing around (and it was a bathroom with a single, barely functioning toilet) and some old geezer was walking around with a cigarette that had 2 inches of ash ready to fall off. One of the best things my great state of Iowa has ever done was outlaw smoking in everywhere except casinos.
We went from Sikeston to Tupuelo, MS and spent the night there. The wife insisted that we stop at Walmart because she had forgotten shampoo. I mentioned there will be shampoo on the boat, and it’ll probably be complimentary. She claimed there wouldn’t be, and once again I was proven right. Sometimes it’s hard being me.
The standard chain restaurants (Applebees, Olive Garden, etc) were all packed so I got to eat at one of my absolute favorites, Steak Escape. They have a dish called the Smashed Potato and it is phenomenal. It’s a baked potato chopped up and grilled, then topped with steak, cheese, onion, green peppers and mushroom. Plus, I think it’s fat free, but I can’t back that up.
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Vegas 2010-Just the highlights

I recently took my 8th trip to Las Vegas. I’ve done the blow-by-blow trip report a few times and I’ve gotten to the point where there isn’t much left to say. However, there is always something unique about a trip to Vegas so I’m going to focus on some of the new experiences of this trip.

The wife and I stayed at Monte Carlo, along with our travel companions Mr. and Mrs. Fancypants. This was our first time at Monte Carlo and we found to be incredibly average. Rooms are decent-larger than New York-New York, but not decorated as well. Our rooms also had the old school tube tv’s, but who goes to Vegas to watch tv. The pool area is nice with a wave pool and a lazy river. We spent a lot of time in and around the lazy river. I don’t know who came up with the idea of a lazy river, but it had to be an American. I can see the inventors floating in a pool and getting pissed that they had to paddle themselves over to the beer cooler. They rack their brains for an afternoon and then it comes to them-instead of moving our bodies, we’ll move the water! It’ll look like you’re working really to move around the water when, in reality, you don’t even need to be conscious to get around the lazy river. In fact, I think there were some people that didn’t even have a pulse and were still doing laps in the lazy river.
Since the first time I went to Vegas I’ve wanted to go to the top of the Stratosphere. This was the trip that I finally got to cross it off my bucket list. The wife shopped at ground level while Mr. and Mrs. F and I went to the top of the Stratosphere. We bought tickets for 2 rides and made our way to 1000 feet above the strip. Our first ride was the Big Shot, which is essentially a tower that shoots the riders another 150 ft. into the Vegas sky. The first thing you notice when you get onto the platform is the wind. Ok, maybe you notice the height first so maybe the wind is the second thing. The day we were up there the wind was whipping 30 to 40 MPH. I’ve been on a lot of thrill rides, but I can honestly say this was the first time I’ve been scared before the ride even started. They should sell clean underwear in the gift shop at the top of the Stratosphere. The ride was great and the view is phenomenal. Our second ride was the Xscream. It’s a very basic ride. It’s just 4 cars on a roller coaster track that dangles over the edge the tower. I let the F’s ride in front, which is apparently a much scarier view as the only thing between the rider and the pavement is a lap restraint. After we got done with the rides we needed a drink. After sitting in the bar for 20 minutes I noticed my hands were still shaking.
I don’t the chance to eat at a Brazilian steakhouse very often in Iowa, so I took the opportunity to reserve a table at Samba in the Mirage. For the uninitiated, the premise of a Brazilian steakhouse is the wait staff walks around with huge skewers of meat. They come by your table and slice off as much as you want. It’s pretty cool. The ambiance isn’t great, it’s open to the casino floor. Some of the meat was very good, particularly the lamb and the flank steak. Some wasn’t so great, the pork and the sausage was a bit overdone. Overall, I’m glad we went as we enjoyed stuffing our faces. I’m not sure I’d go back at $40 per person, but it was definitely worth doing once.
After getting the meat sweats at Samba we watched the volcano erupt at Mirage. I’d seen it several years ago and it was fairly unimpressive. It used to look like a C- shop class project. They renovated it last year and it’s definitely a lot cooler than it used to be. It’s synchronized to music and the explosions are a lot bigger than they used to be.
Gambling was fairly uneventful. I made a lot of bets on college and pro football and, despite several near misses, I still nearly broke even. The disappointing aspect is the amount of time I spent researching lines and trends resulted in just worse than break even. I guess that’s why they call it gambling.
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Adventureland: Reservation for 23

We’ve made it a tradition to go to Adventureland every summer. We typically invited several other families to join us, and most turn us down because, well, it’s Adventureland. It’s not exactly Disneyworld or Six Flags. It’s not the happiest place on earth. The employees are either high schoolers or geriatrics that made questionable financial decisions. Well, this year was different. Everyone we asked wanted to go to Adventureland with us, and then some. Our headcount grew to 23, spanning 6 families.

The traveling group got off to a bad start that day. We were first on the road and took the roll of running blocker, just like in Smokey and the Bandit. It didn’t work quite as well, maybe that’s because we were driving a minivan instead of a Trans Am. Despite us notifying the rest of the vehicles of a smokey at mile marker 201, one of the group still got pulled over. Maybe we should have used CB’s instead of cell phones.
We arrived a couple minutes before the park opened and my oldest daughter tripped and scraped her foot before we even got through the gate. As soon as the park opened, my 3-year-old son Zach and I made a bee line to the bumper cars. My oldest daughter Mady split off to go to another ride, but before I even got on the bumper cars she was coming back crying. Her knees were bleeding, but that wasn’t the real problem. It was abundantly obvious that she had broken the middle finger on her left hand.
We took her to the first aid (which was run by 2 old guys that have made bad decisions) and they used their advanced medical knowledge to proclaim that she might have broken her finger. Or maybe it was just dislocated. Or it might just be a hangnail. My wife and one of the other mothers were directed to the local urgent care clinic and I stayed with the other kids. We were hoping they would put it in a splint and send her back to the park, instead the said she needs to see a specialist. The wife drove her home, and we were down to a group of 21. (Post script-she’s doing fine, the specialist straightened her finger and she got a new pair of shoes for not freaking out during the procedure.)
I spent a good portion of the rest of the day with Zach, who tried to set a record for most bumper car rides in one day. And there was an incident in the men’s room (get your mind out of the gutter). Zach had to go to the bathroom, so I took him and I went to the trough. I assumed he would go to a stall as he’s a bit on the short side. Instead, he followed me to the trough and I mentioned he might be a little too short. He didn’t listen or didn’t care, as he dropped his drawers and proceeded to pee right into the side of the trough. He fruitlessly tried to aim higher, then decided to turn 90 degrees (thankfully away from me) and pee directly onto the floor. I did nothing to stop him, it had been a long day and there wasn’t anyone else in the restroom. Hopefully the cleaning crew visited that night.
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