Mistaken Identity

I've been a bit of a delinquent blogger lately, hopefully that hasn't discouraged my throngs of faithful readers. My brain is a little fried from studying so I'm going to stick with something I wrote awhile back. .

I’ve done plenty of stupid things. For the most part, I’ve managed to avoid actions that would lead a normal person to question my intellect. That was until recently, as I now do something stupid on a weekly basis.

My wife, the kids and I went out to dinner with my sister and her children one evening. We went to Pizza Ranch (motto: Free angioplasty after you’re 10^th visit! If you live that long!) and my wife, sister and the kids went to the park afterward. I had some yard work to do that evening so we split up. My wife took our van to the park, while I used my sister’s van to get home.

We left the restaurant (yeah, I know that’s a bit of a stretch to call it a restaurant) at about the same time. I used the remote to unlock the door and hopped in the van. I put the key in the ignition but I couldn’t get it to turn. I tried turning the wheel to make sure it was locked, still no go. I got out of the van, clicked the doors locked and unlocked thinking maybe there was some security feature that was keeping me from succeeding. I got back into the van and the results were the same as my first attempt. My next thought was the key wasn’t working, so maybe she has a spare key in her purse. Her purse was on the floor (I made a mental note that she had purchased a new purse) but after rifling through I didn’t find a spare key.

Luckily the park was only a couple blocks away, so I hiked over to tell my sister the bad news that her van was broken. We hopped into our van and cruised back to the Pizza Ranch (Back so soon? You must really want that angioplasty!) so she could see for herself. I gave her the keys and she starting heading toward the wrong van. Or at least I thought it was the wrong van. Apparently those tricky bastards at General Motors produced more than one navy blue van. I had climbed into a Pontiac Montana; my sister drives a Chevy Venture. I had also rifled through some strangers purse and spent a significant amount of time trespassing in their vehicle. You’re probably wondering why the remote unlock worked. Well, it didn’t. The van I was in was never locked. My sister’s van was two cars away, so I heard her van lock and unlock while I was fruitlessly trying to steal a minivan.

If the van issue was an isolated incident, one could assume that I’m fairly normal with an occasional screw up. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I also have recurring problems with my pants.

Anyone that has ever been forced to study genetics in high school probably knows that men suffer from colorblindness at a much higher rate than women. My theory is men can see fine, but the pants manufacturers of the world are playing a cruel joke on men. Pants that appear to be black are sometimes navy. Black pants are really dark brown. And sometimes these pants change color without warning, kinda like those ridiculous hyper color t-shirts that were popular for 2 months during the 80’s.

I recently wore a pair of dark brown pants. I knew they were dark brown because I put the next to black pants and they definitely weren’t black. Naturally I carefully put together my outfit for the day under the assumption these pants would remain brown. I was ridiculed all day at work for wearing black pants and brown shoes. Now I have a pair of black/brown pants that I can’t wear in public for fear of them changing color.

Here’s what makes me sure this is a practical joke from the Worldwide Pants Manufacturing Organization (motto: Making asses look huge since 1853). Pants manufacturers could easily solve this by simply telling the customer what color the pants are and if the pants are likely to change color. Men could feel confident that clothing selection, instead of constantly second guessing their attire. Productivity would soar! Freedom would reign! Instead, the WPMO gets a chuckle out of every man they catch wearing hyper color pants.

So what have we learned here today? First, I’m not quite as perfect as most people think I am. Second, the WPMO has a sick sense of humor. And third, if you see some strange man in a mismatched outfit trying to start your car, just leave me alone. I’ll figure it out eventually. And I probably won’t steal anything from your purse.